The Morning

Hard to believe that this morning was really only our second morning on the trip. Wednesday we spent a lot of time at the pool working on our Italian and creep staring before getting sun burnt and catching up on the Don Cherry story entitled Keep Your Head Up Son. Today was really our first attempt of actually doing some physical activity. We crashed early Wednesday night and awoke late Thursday morning, there were rumours that we were in for Thunderstorms and heavy wind but those turned out to be false. That in turn brought some great news as we awoke and eventually cracked some beers in anticipation of a great day.

Little did the other two know just what it is they were in store for.

If there is one thing I’ve learnt golfing over the years it’s how much a persons game can change when you’re faced with different elements. In Alberta we’re dealt with trees, water, and on most days wind, where as down south it’s ridiculous rough that doesn’t allow you to find a ball, heavy sun, and of course sand, sand, sand, and more sand. While I don’t claim to be a pro by any means I am a seasoned veteran when it came to golfing Trilogy so regardless of what happens with my game I’m usually just happy to get through it with only losing a couple of balls. I’m quite sure Stilly was ready to kill somebody or at the very least walk down into a wash and find a rattlesnake to step on.

Beer Cart Broadjourno

With most men (maybe women I dunno) when you’re having a bad game you can always fall back on hope that despite shanking it into the tulies you see the beer cart girl on the next hole and realize that there’s more important things then finding that ball, like buying 6 beer so you can forget about your score and more importantly what it is you’re doing to suck so much ass at golf. Today that never happened.

We can take solace that she was extremely hot but when men only get one round of drinks in an 18 hole golf game it’s safe to assume that you suck at your jobjourno. If there is one thing that balances out a bad golf game it’s enjoying 18-20 barley pops to numb the pain.

The Gieco Gecko Sold Us Insurance

Mallory

It’s one thing not to have beers but to have that son of a bitch Geico Gecko throw us a sales bitch on the seventh hole is another. We get it, your insurance rates are superb and it’s so easy a caveman can do it. But we’re Canadians and I think cavemen are ugly.

So That’s It

Pretty uneventful day. I wish I wasn’t here typing this but I can’t sleep because my face and legs are sunburnt and it stings a little. The good news about today is we can finally go and pick up another flat each at Safeway tomorrow because we’ve managed to drink 60 beer already. If there is one thing we all will take away from this trip it’s going to be an extra 20lbs. It’s one thing to drink beer all day every day, its another entirely to have turkey for dinner only to be pounding nachos, cheese, and ground beef 3 hours later…WITH BEER.

Anyways tomorrow is Friday, it’s supposed to be in the mid 80′s, which should mean more sunburns and plenty more beer to be drank. Till tomorrowderci.

Oh yeah before I forget be sure to enjoy the latest video I added, it should be a good intro to a site we talked about last summer called Whack Fuck Golf.

The Morning

Being in an airport most of yesterday made things a little tough so we tried to calm our nerves with an early morning breakfast consisting of bacon, eggs, toast, and of course beer and Motts Clamatojourno. It was a sharp start to the day and Stilly never suffered the after effects like the previous day when he enjoyed a five meat skillet in Edmonton. The battle shits competition in the Edmonton Airport should never be talked about but in all honesty it was to close to call so we will be uploading a photo finish for the fans to declare a winner.

Back on topic.

Our hostess for the week had said she wasn’t going to buy us any more beer because we had to finish what was left of the Coors Light in the fridge. My first thought was we would probably have our hands full but I quickly sobered up and realized that we’re alcoholics and no matter what the population of beer in the fridge it would be gone that night. Sure enough two lone soldiers remained the next morning which were promptly KO’d through breakfast.

With no army to back us we had to find some recruits. Thus our next stop would be the local Safeway. Now if you’ve never had the priviledge of visiting the United States your liver is probably a lot better off but if you have you know full well what I’m talking about. No matter how many times I’ve been here it still brings a giddy school girl laugh to think I can buy a flat of beer (bottles) for under 20 bucks. It quickly became apparent that our philosophy was to buy one each and prepare for war…the battle lines had been drawn. Bud Light vs Miller Lite vs the seasoned vet, Budweiser. I’m not entirely sure who’s winning but it can’t be Bud Light because Im sitting here typing this trying to make everyone feel a little less happy.

Zims Chiling By the Pooladerci

The Afternoon

Not wanting to feel like slobs most of the day it felt right to get some exercise in. Off to the swimming pool we went, next to the 3 flats of beer being 60 bucks the second greatest news of the day was that you could now get waited on while soaking. A brisk 20 minute walk, a quick tour around the complex, a shriek from some of the ladies by the pool when I removed my shirt, and we then commenced to soaking with a beer in hand.

Being the complete creep he is it didn’t take Stilly long to spot what is now being dubbed as “Momjourno”, better known to people who aren’t fluent in Italian as a MILF. Endless hours of creep staring and wondering is she actually checking us out lead Stilly to lean over and say “It seems like she is always looking over here, is she checking us out or maybe she’s just catching me creep staring”, to which I responded “No Stilly, it just looks that way because she has sunglasses on.” That didn’t stop us from feverishly watching her adjust her massive boobjournos…we’re quite confident we seen some tan lines and a nipple.

At 3pm however her 6 and 14 year old had to leave because of the strict pool curfew…away she went leaving us bonerjournoed in the pool never to see her again. Typical broad! Tease!

Thankfully we closed down the pool with last call and proceeded to stumble home.

Miller Lite's By The Pool

The Evening

Which leads us to this moment. After having pounded many hot dogs and hamburglers we kicked back to par take in the ever so popular (and liver killer) sunset. It’s 7:45 pm Phoenix time and the war has just began to reach it’s climatic peak. The battle lines have been drawn and the chemical warfare has began, striking first it was Stilly who just blew a burp into my face. I will answer with some arrividerci gas.

The Sun has set, the crickets are cricketing, we’re listening to some really weird music with the desert dogs howling in the background at some cranky owl.

Breaking NEWS Stilly is sun burnt.

All in all it was a pretty enjoyable first day. That being said it was only the first day. Tomorrow involves much of the same with a side plate of golfaderci. Many balls will be lost, many beers will be drank, and you can sure as hell bet the poor golf cart girl will be creep stared heavily only to tease us and leave us with golf pant bonerjournos.

BROAD!

Till Next time.

PS: It’s Miller Time

But first let’s see what he’s throwing to the curb and more importantly get a little more testosterone flowing with some magical bikini pictures!

As I constantly get distracted by bikini pictures I begin to think Elin Walker has a better sound to it then Elin Woods anyway

Enough is enough. I’ll be frank, I hate celebrity gossip and celebrity tabloids. I will never be able to wrap my head around why people can spend countless hours reading about what Brad Pitt did to fix the hole in his sock or why Britney Spears is wearing panties on the outside of her pants. Who freakin cares! They don’t give two shits about the weekend you spent at Home Depot so why should you care about theirs?

Before I get to carried away I can see a lot of you calling me a hypocrite for hating celebrity gossip and yet here I am writing a blog about it. I suppose it could be said that perhaps I am a hypocrite but in all honesty when I have to endure countless hours of Tiger and Elin Woods gossip on my favorite sports channels something has to be said. Let me watch the latest highlights in peace without having to worry about watching 5 minute clips of a TMZ rip off.

Cut the man some slack, nearly 50% of all marriages in America fail every year. Just because he’s Tiger Woods he has to be on his best behavior 24/7 365 days a year? I’ve got a better idea, how about you give the man some god damn privacy and let him deal with his private affairs…IN PRIVATE! I suppose though because our own lives are so dull we have to resort to tarnishing someone else’s.

Someone commented the other day about how in the world he could cheat on such a goddess. Don’t get me wrong she’s a good looking woman but I’m pretty sure the only way I’d get tired of having sex with this woman is if we were married for five years and I had enough money to make cocktail waitresses pretend golf is a turn-on. — Wait. He’s Tiger Woods, if he wanted to he could go get another blond supermodel at the blink of an eye. Come to think of it now that he’s up to 9 strokes I wouldn’t be surprised that a blond supermodel will be number 10.

The worst part about this was the fact not that he got caught but more so having the media get ahold of it all. I mentioned hypocrites earlier…well speaking of hypocrites I can only imagine how many reporters and anchors have done the same thing as Tiger yet never been publicly slapped in the face because of it. Let’s face it, the only reason there isn’t more of this out there scorching the headlines is because other professional athletes aren’t as popular as Woods or just haven’t been caught yet.

Here we have the media portraying Rock Stars, Movie Stars, and Professional Athletes as saints when they’re in the public eye but I’d base about 80-90% of them have committed some form of adultery. Why? Well all one needs to do is hit the local night scene one evening when the Edmonton Oilers are out at one of the cities establishments and see how many women throw themselves at them. When you have money and you’re famous it just makes it that much easier.

I’m not entirely sure why we as human beings would cut off limbs to sleep with a celebrity but that seems to be just our nature. Personally I would way rather set my sights higher by chasing down porn stars because they put out!

TIGER Woods’ wife reportedly has moved out of their luxury home, as a porn star became the latest woman to be linked to the golfer. Woods is understood to have had a meeting with his wife Elin Nordegren as reports name a porn star Holly Sampson as another of his conquests and new steamy SMS details emerge.

Finally for the guys(maybe even the girls), if you had endless money and the whole world knew you, you can’t tell me you wouldn’t be in the same predicament.

Entourage, need I say more?

The most important being golf season.

Now before everyone jumps on my coat tails about the driving range (and some courses) being open already let me tell you that I ALREADY KNOW THAT, but sadly I’m the type that thinks golfing on temporary greens is for beginners (who am I kidding I’m no professional) and if I can’t wear shorts golfing I get extremely uncomfortable and jungle rot sets in.

Oh and did I mention drinking beer on a golf course isn’t nearly as enjoyable when it’s topping out at 10 degrees as opposed to 20. No? Well it is, I’m not the type of drinker that likes having to hammer beer to keep warm, you end up drinking to little and tend to develop a bad case of the shanks around hole 11. This golf season should be glorious as we will once again try to tackle multiple courses scattered throughout the Edmonton region, if anyone has any suggestions I’m more then willing to listen…more importantly if you want to try and hustle me on the course for money I’m in, until I lose and have to pay up.

My second summer activity involves patio lanterns.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuJqB4GTRB4]

There is nothing better then sitting on a patio. At home or a bar is satisfactory although I usually prefer at home because a garbage can full of ice and beer isn’t acceptable at most bar/pub’s. Not to mention people are starting to look at me funny because of this second coat of hair I have growing on my face and I’m not sure if I will be socially accepted to much longer, I think people are already giving me the heebie jeebies at the gym.

Regardless this post really has no other point besides that I like Golf and Patios and more importantly the sun. If anyone wants to indulge in the festivities this weekend or perhaps just come take a photo of the next coming of a facial Sasquatch swing by 118th and 101st, I’ll be the one either wearing Kim Mitchell tight jean shorts or a hot pair of short shorts complete with a grade 5 Chicago Blackhawks jersey.

If you’re lucky enough I may even allow you to taste a Bud Light Lime.

On a final note I want to thank everyone this past weekend for calling me Ben Affleck, it really makes one appreciate the dirtiness of this playoff beard. Secondly thanks to one William Wallace who was such a good friend he ordered me one alcoholic swamp water (a bunch of different hard liquor blended together and topped off with delicious coke to make a smooth blend of instant puke) and while he didn’t force me to drink it he certainly didn’t advise against it. The two hours I spent hovering over that white porcelain will never soon be forgotten.

Pictures from this past weekends jersey dance will be posted shortly as will the videos that I still have to screen.

PS. GO BLACKHAWKS

I will have some good stuff to show everyone once I get around to editing it, the best being that I finally caught a good video of one of the drunken bums in my neighbourhood passed out on the street at the Lucky 7 outside my window. Throw in some videos of our beloved friend Stilly trying to eat a slice of pizza at 3 in the morning, the Phoenix Coyotes Pack Dance Team again, and some other random garbage and some of you may just end up in ectasy!

Finally I’ve added a couple albums in the gallery from the latest endevaour in Phoenix and some highlights from the night at the U of A Golden Bears hockey game.

I’ll be back with some more useless garbage tomorrow.

Walks

Well you shouldn’t be because I’m not going, there was a chance at some tickets in the nose bleeds but they ultimately we’re selling for a small fee of $5000-6000 a ticket.  Uh yeah, anyone who pays that should think twice about there life, you either have way to much money or are the biggest diehard football fan I know.  Aside from the ticket you have the whole expense of trying to find a hotel and of course partying HARD for a week straight.  A $15,000 to $20,000 dollar week holiday seems rather expensive to me.

Regardless I’m still heading south for the week, I will be back this Friday and if anyone is interested there is talk that a certain sleeping giant will be wandering the bright lights of Edmonton so chances are you will see Jmoe and I at our finest.

With that said I need some sleep, flight leaves in four hours.  Enjoy the snow and cold chumps, I will have a plethora of pictures at some point this week (depending on an internet connection)!

Walks
www.hotstickybun.com