the Idiots Have Taken Over

Whether you believe it or not, the Idiots Have Taken Over

Here We Go Again

I don’t know if I would say I’m getting political again but I’m pissed again at society. There is a reason I don’t watch the evening news because it always represents the bad and focuses in on the shit. Tonight in Vancouver some man was attacked for no apparent reason and beaten over the head with a mallet, if not for the heroics of a woman he would probably be dead. No one knew the reasoning for the attack but there is a strong possibility there was no reason.

Years back when I was living in Edmonton my cousins hubby was enjoying his time down on Whyte Avenue after partaking in an epic concert at Rexall place. It was towards the end of the night when he was standing outside of Winks when he was beaten in the back with a baseball bat. Eventually the police got involved and much to there surprise they had told them that it was the 8th record of it happening that night. Turns out it was apparently some sort of initiation.

Some sort of initiation? An initiation that involves beating innocent people, male and female, for no apparent reason? Why? I’m the biggest idiot when it comes to toilet humor (this website showcases that strongly) but how in the world can someone find that “funny”? I’ve done some ridiculous things in my life that I regret and probably will the rest of my life but something like that is beyond idiocy and it worries me quite frequently to what we are walking into in the future. It’s becoming more and more frequent in today’s society that people are pulling shit like this because it’s supposed to be funny when in truth the only funny thing about is how much of an idiot they are for thinking so.

Sadly that was only one of MANY stories I could talk about. The same thing happened in an LRT station where a man was beaten nearly to death for no reason. Another man was pushed onto the tracks just missing a train as it arrived.

Something so small, yet much bigger

We've been Idiots for many years

Yet here we are shaking our heads at things like murder, assault, robbery, etc. and when we look to our apparent leaders in charge they are committing the same atrocities…and for what, religion? Oil? More Money? Are things getting any better? Probably not.

Now I’m not one to weigh in one the “War on Terrorism” because I don’t ever try to pretend I know what’s going on. I dont agree with one side or the other. Both sides have killed each other, innocents, and committed mass genocide throughout the process. And still it spreads through it’s countries people that anyone associated with the opposition is evil! I read this earlier today:

I was a 24 year old medical student in the US before deciding I wanted to see a bit of the world before I got old. I went to a youth hostel in New Delhi during summer break while waiting for a friend from law school in the the US to meet me there., In four days the owners of the guest house, who were clearly dealing heroine, decided that they did not trust me, did not like Americans, and drugged the coke I was drinking (the skin under my fingernails turned purple/blue and I got really sleepy) then they surrounded me and dropped me off their balcony which is about 2o feet (more than 6 meters) from the ground. I woke up in the Apollo hospital with a spinal cord injury and a serious skull fracture. I was airlifted back to the US to receive further surgery and I can, by Grace of God, walk now but my life will never be the same.

The question remains, as a Canadian or American would you feel nervous with a Muslim flying on a plane with you? It’s the way the world is now. No one can trust each other and we certainly don’t respect one another.

The Future

I’m often asked (jokingly) if I will ever settle down, get married, and have kids to which I more often respond “nope”. Maybe I will slip up or change my mind but to this day I don’t think it will happen. Perhaps I’m over exaggerating but when one sees what is happening in the world with the pollution, war, and disrespect for another why would you want to put one of your kids through something so shitty that’s about to happen. Society is so messed up now and it won’t get any better in the near future, money runs the Government, the people in charge get richer, so why would the people in power change to begin with?

NOFX

Never Trust A Hippy

It’s funny because a lot of the other things people find weird about me is my ever growing collection of punk rock (if that’s what its called, there’s to many names of punk rock, who cares) music I collect and listen to. One band in particular is NOFX who I’ve listened to I think since Philly introduced them to me on my way back to Calgary one summer. It’s something about this type of genre of music that I relate to and perhaps why I spend a lot of time listening to it. More so maybe it’s the reason for this epic rant.

Like any good punk rock band they have there ridiculous songs (see Liza & Louise – a great song about lesbianism) but they also have a strong voice when it comes to such big things like war and politics, as all great punk rock bands did (example, the Ramones). One song in particular, and the one I’ve named this nonsense about is Idiots Are Taking Over.

Why? Well when I listen to the song and read/watch the news it puts everything into perspective about how the idiots are actually taking over. As our society continues to evolve and invent amazing new technologies we still feel the urge to not share our knowledge with others. Would it be so hard to work together to achieve something as great as colonizing the Moon or another planet like Mars? Why is it important for the U.S, Russia, and China to all have separate space programs when if they all worked as one they would probably reach their goal faster?

Would it be so hard to respect one another?

I dont know.

What I do know is there are to many idiots making idiot decisions.

The Idiots Are Taking Over

it’s not the right time to be sober
now the idiots have taken over
spreading like a social cancer, is there an answer?

the idiots are takin over [x8]

Epic Typography Video

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOPJ90FRZHI]

Yet when the opposite sex isn’t able to enter our domain it seems as a species us males tend to lose all that we have learned. I of course am talking about our private sanctionary….the Men’s Washroom.

Ladies this is what a Men's Restroom often looks like

Why

It’s pretty simple. Why? Why do we put ourselves through such hell. Do you not flush your toilets when your at home? Of course you do, so why is it no one wants to flush in a public restroom? I’ve seen so many things this past year alone that is enough to make me think twice about ever using a public restroom again. Saturday night at the Crown and Anchor was the culmination in all things wrong with what happens in the Men’s Washroom, but I’ll get to that a little later.

What I can’t understand is our thought process when it comes to visiting the washroom. My first experience with a night club washroom left a negative impact on me and perhaps that’s why I am writing this right now. I was at the late great Thunderdome in Edmonton, I had just turned 18 and was enjoying a night out on the town after having spent a fantastic evening in a luxury suite at Rexall place. Things we’re good…at least they were until I had to take a piss at the bar. Needless to say I enter the washroom and find all the urinals full. I proceed to the toilets.

Door number 1 had toilet paper welted on the seat with some healthy leftovers from someones dinner (puke) also on that same toilet seat.
Door number 2 had essentially the same repertoire but the leftovers were from the exit, not the entry like the first one.
Finally door number 3. I had taken Mrs. Swanson’s science class years before and had passed with honors so I knew all about the surface tension effect (for those of you who failed, think of how water tends to rise above the rim of the glass without spilling over). This was one science experiment that we never tried, most of the time we used liquids such as water…not urine. That’s right, door number 3 involved the surface tension experiment of urine in a toilet.

After opting out on using the toilets I decided on the urinals which werent a lot better and Im quite confident I spent the rest of the evening trying not to continue to break the seal.

Would you sit on it?

Not Near as Bad

After having gone through that episode at the Thunderdome to putting up with the smell of urine in the men’s washroom at Oil City in Edmonton I thought I had seen it all…but then last night came around. I had heard horror stories of the the bathroom at the Crown and Anchor a few times but wasn’t overly offended my first visit there. After last night I will never look at a toilet or that bathroom the same way.

Traumatizing Pee Break #1

Was going pretty well. I strolled in for a leisurely piss at the urinal. A guy entered behind and was about to wait in line before he seen the toilet stall door open. Upon entering he gagged, turned around, and told me not to look in there. Being an idiot curiosity got the best of me and I peaked my head through the door to see a steaming pile of shit somehow magically placed on the back corner of the toilet seat. How…I don’t know, more importantly why? What would posses anyone to miss that wide gaping whole by that much. Seeing someone shit in the tank at the lions den wasn’t nearly as bad as this. I felt sorry for one who was stuck cleaning up that mess.

Traumatizing Pee Break #2

Using my better judgment I refused to enter the bathroom stall and waited for one of the urinals to free up. The guy on the left was pissing…the guy on the right I originally believed had passed out against the wall while he was taking a piss. Boy oh boy how I wished that were the case. Instead I clued in at the last moment that this guy was pulling the goalie…that or he just had the most orgasmic and fulfilling pee imaginable. That’s right, to top my night off I, along with another guy, had to wait in line to piss while one guy worked his way up and reached fruition.

Creepy no?

Sit on this toilet and you will wind up with the Clap

Please Help!!!

The next time you use a public washroom, especially one in a night club can you at least be considerate enough to follow some of these simple rules.

1. Flush – No one wants to experiment with how high the urine level can get. Not to mention we don’t need to deal with the smell of leftover pee in a toilet. As men we stink enough.

2. Hit the Bowl! – Not the side, not on the floor, not on your pants. If your that drunk where you can’t pee straight then you should probably head home.

3. Hit the Bowl 2! – Same thing, just not with urine, more so the brown stuff.

4. Use it Properly – That means use the equipment as it was intended. Don’t think you’re funny by filling the toilet water tank up with shit. Someone still has to clean that.

5. Wash Your Hands – It amazes me to see how many guys use public bathrooms, make a mess, and touch broadjournos all while not washing their hands after being in some scuzzy bathroom.

6. Don’t Be Lazy – This more so refers to the home toilet but can be applied to other toilets flushed round the world. Clean it. There is a reason your toilet gets disgusting, it’s because you let it get disgusting. Clean it once a week and even girls will use it.

I wonder what its like on the other side

Perhaps if any females haven’t been scared off from this yet they can comment on if the sanctionary of the females bathroom is any different, or do girls actually keep the bathrooms clean enough…they would have to wouldn’t they? We have the privilege of standing up to pee so I would think women would be considerate and far more trained to keep things civilized in there. I think every Mustang can be in agreement that the ladies bathroom upstairs next to our dressing room and ping pong table is a lot more comfortable then the mens. Both clean but the girls smells better.

Still I’d like to find out for sure if the other side is as repulsive as us…if they keep things clean Im sure at some point I will get thrown out of a bar for refusing to use the men’s washroom.

It just has to be, there is no way a girl would leave a steaming turd on the toilet seat. Why? Well It’s simple really.

GIrls dont poop.

Happy Bonjourno aka Happy New Years!

If there is one thing I learned this week it was that I can’t give er as hard as I once used too. There were times back during the “Blades of our Lives” (most notably after an exit from the playoffs) that the team would decide on a week long episode before every player would head his own way for the summer only to convene months later back at the rink and do it all over again. Still I do have to say some of us trooped pretty hard this past week in the city despite it being Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday night knowing full well a New Years party was closing in on us on Thursday.

The statisitcs for this past weeks results are as follows.

I warned you I couldn’t Take It

Kilometers Traveled:
Approx 1100
Hockey Games Watched:
6 – Canada vs Swiss, Flames vs Oilers (Live), Canada vs Slovaks, Maple Leafs vs Oilers (Live), Canada vs U.S, Oilers vs Flames
Actual Good Hockey Games Watched:
1, Canada vs U.S.A on New Years Eve
Pizza Consumed:
5 Pies, 2XL Great White Norths, 1XL Hawaiian, 1L Hawaiian, 1L Ham & Pepporoni
Other Food Consumed:
Pizza Bread, Chinese Food, Subway, Quiznos, New York Fries, Taco Time, Hudsons, Brewsters, Moxies
Pounds Gained:
514lbs amongst 4 of us because Stingy doesn’t gain weight.
Puke Spilt:
Probably 4 buckets worth between Primo the Seal and Neely the Sea Bass
Poops Spilt:
Probably 20 buckets worth as every time one got back to the hotel room one would spend 5 minutes with old faithful.
Bars Kicked Out of Or Not Allowed Entry:
1, Just On The Rocks because apparently they’re racist there.
Girls Creeped Out:
5784612, and thats only the ones known about. Something to be said about seeing sweaty sea mammals drinking in a bar that doesn’t overally impress.
Good Times Spent:
4, I’m pretty sure Sea Bass was hung over for two days and wishing he didn’t partake for 48 hours.

Needless to say the above picture represents how we all felt Friday morning, it was so bad neither of us even wanted to think about having drinks on the weekend. Instead we were dubbed the task of playing hockey and then bowling a perfect game…both of which we failed miserably.

I didn’t take any pictures from the road trip as that involves all video which I’ll upload shortly. In the meantime you can check out my shotty work from New Years Pink & White Party in the photo gallery.

The Meltdown

Monday morning started like most do…shitty. Who really enjoys Sunday knowing full well the next day actually involves doing something with ones life, whether it be school or work? I sure don’t. The only thing that kept me sane Sunday (following a fairly shitty Saturday hockey evening) was the fact I could watch the Oilers, Baseball, and Football all day. Low and behold the Oilers lost, the Yankees won, and oddly there wasn’t an overly exciting football game available on TV.

Regardless that was only the beginning. Monday morning arose with work calling and informing me that a major computer meltdown took place over the weekend and I apparently was tasked with figuring out how, what, and why this was doing that and that was doing this. Like most I’m brain dead Monday morning and having to deal with a major meltdown perhaps wasn’t the greatest thing to happen. As we speak I am still plugging away at it…and it is now 2:00 am in the morning Wednesday. The only thing I can say to that is BOOOOO!

After finally getting one problem out of the way it was time for practice…which was exactly what I was hoping for, fun! Until the end at least. Word is out another goalie is on way to help fill the void while I’m away coaching which wasn’t an issue. The issue came today when the schedule was reworked from Spirit River folding and Lips and I found out we are going to miss 11 of 20 games. So now we’re asking ourselves what the hell is the point in even playing because out of those 9 games because neither one of us know if we will even end up playing in all of them, especially as a goalie I might be lucky to get half of those. Is it worth it? Probably not.

It’s not the worst thing to happen I suppose but what the hell else do you do in this swine flu haven?

Regardless there is some light at the end of the tunnel. My new rig is on its way and a new Macbook Pro is potentially along its way too (yeah I get excited about computers and video games so what?). Above all that I’ve finally found some dates where I can go out and use the season tickets to watch some Oiler games. I was starting to worry that I wouldnt be able to visit Rexall till after February when hockey season ended but thankfully I’ve found a break in scheduling. Needless to say I think Edmonton misses the funkybunch so we’ve booked a trip to take in two games, Dec28th vs the Calgary Flames and Dec 30th vs the Toronto Maple Leafs.

To add to that there is only four of us and I have six tickets for each game so if anyone out there in internet land wants to attend let me know. The four of us will drop an executive decision and place a vote to see if you can keep up with us. If you’re female you already have a heads up on the competition! No sexual pun intended.

And before I go I better give a shout out to the Buns two newest writers Zims and Luke. I don’t know what the hell there going to talk about but both have enough to say so I’ll let them go about there business before deciding on if I should fire them or not! The wager right now is how long one thinks they will end up lasting as writers for the Bun…I’m going to go with 2 months!

I hope they prove me wrong as they may just be what I need to push over that 10,000 mark.

As for all you other people asking me about writing all you have to do is ask, it doesn’t take much to set up you just have to get in contact with me which isn’t hard either. Find me on Facebook as I’m usually idling 24/7.

Thats it, my new computer should be here this week which means I’ll finally be able to finish uploading all the wedding videos from this summer as well as some other crap that’s been hiding in the archives for to long.

Happy Halloween ho bags

Away we go.

#10 – Beaverlodge Porn

This isnt a new search term by any means, in fact it garnered the number one spot on the last trop ten. I put it at 10 because it’s been used before but the scary thing is while only one person googled “Beaverlodge Porn” last time it has nearly tripled in search results. That means not one, not two, but three people have went out of there way to track down some Beaverlodge porno. Wow.

#9 – Oil City Porn

When I was living in Edmonton I loved Oil City…I can only imagine how much more I would of loved it if there was actually porn involved. Let’s face it though we wouldnt be involved because we’d be preoccupied with 2 dollar shooters.

#8 – Racing Bums

Apparently the video that was done has garnered some popularity. Prepare for an arrest soon.

#7 – 2009-06-23t20 02 00 0000

I’m sure this is just another random computer slang to trick google into searching for Beaverlodge Porn or any porn for that matter. I mean seriously if you seen how many hits I get through porn requests and/or nude pictures for celebrities it makes me wonder if I should just convert this site into a porno site.

#6 – is there another name for canadian geese?

Uhhh, let me ask you which weighs more…a pound of feathers or a pound of gold.

#5 – who would win in a fight? jason bourne or jack bauer

Apparently I’m not the only loser out there who actually sat and thought about this. This was just one of five similar search terms so apparently about 10 people would watch a movie about this. Get er done!

#4 – naughty girls calgary

Aren’t all girls in Calgary naughty for cheering for the Flames?

#3 – it s a double dion pierre mcguire

Every time I hear this it’s funny, I don’t know why…it could be the huge man crush going on between the two or potentially whenever I think of Pierre Mcguire I cant help think of his “Long Active Stick” flop on TSN’s trade center with Dutchy.

#2 – tequila and squirt

The average joe would be thinking of taking a shot of tequila and then squirting a lemon but considering there are so many flipping weirdos out there (even more so on the internet) one has to wonder if someone gets turned on from someone doing a shot of tequila then shitting there pants.

#1 – cheap hookers edmonton

Good to see my constant rambling of hookers and blow in the city of Edmonton has finally drawn some traffic to my website. Cheap hookers can be found in Edmonton and there were a couple of them who liked to hang out on the corner by my old condo. One in particular on a warm sunny day felt the desire to strut around the neighborhood in a pair of nice slacks and a bra. Why I didn’t tape it I dont know, perhaps I thought it would ruin my chances. Another one got kicked out of the liqour store across the street only to faceplant into the curb because she was to drunk to walk in high heels.

What’s a cheap hooker worth in Edmonton? Im going to go out on a limb and say a bottle a Clear Creek Ice, a nine iron, and perhaps a new pair of dentures or a razor.

Till next time peddies

First off I have to urge any current or future coaches to take part in this clinic as I can promise you that as it continues to grow things will only get better and the opportunity to network and learn from some highly qualified individuals will help you become a better coach.

There isn’t one of us former players who haven’t sat there thinking we could do a better job then another coach or figured we knew everything and anything that was wrong with our favorite hockey club. If I had a dime for all the wrongs everyone I knew was saying about MacT this past winter I would already be retired in Phoenix. Hell, I was even one of those people who thought they knew what was wrong with the Edmonton Oilers this past winter.

Needless to say sitting in front of NHL, WHL, and CIS coaches turned out to be a real eye opener in what it takes to become a successful coach, not just for the strategic side of the game but even more so into what it takes to develop successful teams and players. I walked in thinking all of this would be X’s and O’s and I walked out of there with a new found respect for the coaching job.

The highlight of the weekend came surprisingly to me Sunday morning when Moose Jaw Warriors head coach Dave Hunchak took the podium.

Dave Hunchak

Hunchak’s presentation was dubbed “Growing The Player” and he focused more so on the aspects of what it takes to make a player better on the ice but even more so becoming a better person off the ice. Being good teammates, wanting to play the game, being active in the community, verbally communicating etc were just a few of the things he made mention of and I think the one thing that really stood out to me was listening to him tell the story of a team building experience he did at the Army barracks.

Like a lot of coaches they always plan these to help you become familiar with the guys on your team which is great, I remember partaking in a multitude of these. Hunchak split his team into groups and for the most part made everything involved in camping a competition, for example putting up the tent. Another was the hamburger competition in which he found some players having some trouble putting together a meal for there group…odd? Maybe, but I still know people my age that don’t know how to cook.

The lesson that really stood out though was when he was talking about the baseball game. It came as quite a surprise to me hearing that a lot of players are so one dimensional athletes that a lot of them can’t or dont know how to play other sports. There were players who couldn’t throw a ball properly, hold a bat the right way, or had never stepped foot on a ball diamond because they were so caught up in becoming a professional hockey player they spent all there time off on the ice.

Now a days its so blown out of proportion that if you want to be successful and make it to the pro level you need to eat, sleep, and breath hockey which, according to everyone presenting, couldn’t be any further from the truth. The skills, tools, and athleticism you develop playing multiple sports is of far greater importance then staying on ice all summer.

Lips and I both agreed that Hunchak speech was top notch and it really helped drive home a message with what’s happening with today’s youthful hockey players.

Clare Drake

It was almost intimidating seeing legendary coach Clare Drake in attendance. Over half (if not all) of the presenters at the clinic had been in some way or form influenced by the man himself. The resume speaks for itself: Bachelor of Phys Ed, Bachelor of Education, Masters in Science, Doctorate in Phys Ed, 35 years coaching experience (NHL, CHA, WHA, CIAU), 6 time national CIAU champion, 1989 Canadian Hall of Fame, 997 wins as U of A coach, and above all that 1 time Football Championship (CIAU).

The list could go on and on. His age doesn’t even slow him down and anyone with half of a brain can see just how much knowledge and innovation he’s brought to the game of hockey. Drake’s speech was on the power play and I could write another 1000 words on what I picked up from that hour alone but I’ll spare everyone the technical details.

The Rest

Every present was top notch but the two above stood out to me most.

Rocky Thompson who is an assistant coach with the Edmonton Oil Kings kicked the weekend off going over some basic fundamentals, most of which I wasn’t even aware of.

Ken Babey is head coach of the SAIT Trojans and introduced us to how to plan for short term competitions. Ken did a miraculous job overseas with Denmark’s World Junior team and still helps to this day.

Another former student of Clare Drake named Perry Pearn introduced us to concepts for the Penalty Kill. This past year before he got fired he helped the New York Rangers to the league best PK% and I took away some welcome words of wisdom on how to make a successful penalty kill.

Rob Daum, the head coach for the Oilers farm team the Springfield Falcons, proved to be the comedian of the group but also extremely intelligent showing us some offensive zone plays one could draw up.

Rick Carriere went over the finer points of defense, Dave Rathjen and Jaime McCraig showed us some of the finer points of goaltending from there goalie school “Above the Crease“. Even though Im quite wise on the position I urge any parent with a young one in between the pipes or any aspiring goalie to give these guys a shout.

Closing out we were treated to a hot stove with former NHL’r and current Oilers play by play analyst Rob Brown. Brown shared some stories of life in junior, in the pros, and coaching in and around Edmonton. Similar to most other presenters Rob was dead set on letting kids step away from the rink and enjoy other sports like soccer, baseball, lacrosse etc. He was quick to point out a lot of former NHL greats were multi sport athletes.

A lot to take in, after Saturday I found myself in bed at 11 o’clock because my brain hurt so much from thinking hockey all day. I can’t imagine what it’s like for a head coach over a grueling NHL season and playoff.

Needless to say I’m quite happy with the money spent and will almost certainly be back next season for another go at it unless I’m unfortunate enough to not be coaching this season…something which should pan out this week, stay posted for that.

I’m going to miss city life A LOT based on the sole fact of having so many different options to do on a day or evening. Gone will be the nights of hitting some random sketchy bar on Whyte or Jasper Ave because there is no line or it’s where we just seen some females walk in, instead in will be (if a bar is the answer) a trip to one of Madhatters or the Lions Den where the ratio of male to female is a little under 100:1. Thankfully there will be hockey, crossfitting, and *gasp* work!

The worst part of leaving the city for me is no more random night Oiler games, no more golfing a different course every weekend, no more deciding last minute to attend a Capitals baseball game, or no more days enjoying the sun and straight vodka sitting in College Corner (even though it doesnt exist anymore anyway) at Commonwealth Stadium.

There has certainly been a lot of moments, here are some of them…

The Stonehouse

The Stonehouse on Jasper Avenue seemed to be like a second home to some of us. Every Wing Wednesday we often found ourselves at our usual table with our usual waitress (dubbed pigtails). No one knows for sure but ask anyone of Trav, Jmoe, Sleaze, Stone, or I and we will all tell you we put her through College or at least made the down payment on her first house. Our looks were so good (OK OK our tipping was big) that we often found ourselves drinking ceasars out of tea pots by the end of the night.

Madden Bowl

The first Madden Bowl turned out to be a huge success although normally when kegs of beer are involved one doesn’t usually have to do much to make it a successful party. The only draw back was the actual playing of EA’s Madden football, the innagural winner was none other then Jmoe based solely on the fact he managed to stay coherent enough to still work the controls. Eventually Madden Bowl was famously known for introducing us all to the bad sweater party which resulted in multiple spin off parties but none that ever compared to the original.

Oilers Playoff Run 2006

As long as I live this is something I wont ever forget. Being fortunate enough to attend each home game was one thing but leaving the arena on multiple occasions with your ears ringing and losing just a little more of your hearing was something else entirely.

The Toronto Raptors in Edmonton

I think this picture speaks for itself about what kind of shape the majority of us were in, maybe it was seeing my first NBA game (even if it was pre-season), maybe it was the caution tape, maybe it was the apparent ass motor boating, then again this stuff seems to always happen when Oil City and the old Blades puckbunnies are involved (RELAX IM JUST KIDDING, well not really)

The Amadeus Experience

I don’t really know why this one sticks out for me but it was nothing more then a regular long weekend in September in Edmonton, the only difference was the fact we had a personal cab driver all weekend who would pick us up anywhere at anytime. Even better was the fact he promised to take us elephant hunting if we ever went to Africa.

The Rest

There is so much more, the only problem is I don’t have the pictures and probably shouldn’t waste to much of everyone’s time but my most ridiculous weekend was arguably when Benny was home to spend the summer in Hythe and managed to slip out to Edmonton for 5 days or so. The first night was all in good fun but the next morning when we thought it would be a bright idea to drink a bottle of spiced rum straight is where it took a turn for the better. I wont go into great detail but the moment we came across an aluminum boat outside of Cook County we thought our night was complete, it wasn’t until we found a plastic bag full of dark rum, a 2L of Root Beer, and two beers where we knew we had just stepped over the threshold from good night to great.

Needless to say it’s been a great 8 or so years and I’ve been fortunate to enjoy every minute of it. Thankfully all my roommates have been able to put up with my stupidity and drunkenness even though I’d argue all of them are potentially bigger drinkers then me and I apologize to Courtney and Megan, the only two females who had the audacity to stay here despite the smell. I’m sure I’ve missed multiple run ins and stories but if I think of them I’ll be sure to reminisce later or better yet if you need to remind me of one perhaps because I was blackout drunk then feel free to leave a comment below.

Regardless Im more then looking forward to my move back to Grande Prairie as I still have a ton of friends there, have a great opportunity before me, and will possibly be able to play hockey once again (the first real time in close to 7 years) barring bad results from my MRI.

However there are still close to 4 weeks left in Edmonton so here’s hoping I can go out with one more for the record books because come July 6th I’ll be once again a permanent resident of Grande Prairie.

The most important being golf season.

Now before everyone jumps on my coat tails about the driving range (and some courses) being open already let me tell you that I ALREADY KNOW THAT, but sadly I’m the type that thinks golfing on temporary greens is for beginners (who am I kidding I’m no professional) and if I can’t wear shorts golfing I get extremely uncomfortable and jungle rot sets in.

Oh and did I mention drinking beer on a golf course isn’t nearly as enjoyable when it’s topping out at 10 degrees as opposed to 20. No? Well it is, I’m not the type of drinker that likes having to hammer beer to keep warm, you end up drinking to little and tend to develop a bad case of the shanks around hole 11. This golf season should be glorious as we will once again try to tackle multiple courses scattered throughout the Edmonton region, if anyone has any suggestions I’m more then willing to listen…more importantly if you want to try and hustle me on the course for money I’m in, until I lose and have to pay up.

My second summer activity involves patio lanterns.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuJqB4GTRB4]

There is nothing better then sitting on a patio. At home or a bar is satisfactory although I usually prefer at home because a garbage can full of ice and beer isn’t acceptable at most bar/pub’s. Not to mention people are starting to look at me funny because of this second coat of hair I have growing on my face and I’m not sure if I will be socially accepted to much longer, I think people are already giving me the heebie jeebies at the gym.

Regardless this post really has no other point besides that I like Golf and Patios and more importantly the sun. If anyone wants to indulge in the festivities this weekend or perhaps just come take a photo of the next coming of a facial Sasquatch swing by 118th and 101st, I’ll be the one either wearing Kim Mitchell tight jean shorts or a hot pair of short shorts complete with a grade 5 Chicago Blackhawks jersey.

If you’re lucky enough I may even allow you to taste a Bud Light Lime.

On a final note I want to thank everyone this past weekend for calling me Ben Affleck, it really makes one appreciate the dirtiness of this playoff beard. Secondly thanks to one William Wallace who was such a good friend he ordered me one alcoholic swamp water (a bunch of different hard liquor blended together and topped off with delicious coke to make a smooth blend of instant puke) and while he didn’t force me to drink it he certainly didn’t advise against it. The two hours I spent hovering over that white porcelain will never soon be forgotten.

Pictures from this past weekends jersey dance will be posted shortly as will the videos that I still have to screen.

PS. GO BLACKHAWKS

Now because I know you all want to hear it, I’m going to give you my top ten “idiotic” hockey fans.

Number 1: “Shooooooooooooooooooot”

This is pretty much a given number 1. Anyone, and I mean ANYONE, who has played hockey knows the purpose of a powerplay. We all know that you’re given the man advantage to move the puck around to open up lanes to give a glorified scoring chance, what most these idiots think it’s for is to have your star player take a shot below the hash marks on the side boards or perhaps even wind up for that big slapper and drill it right into a defenders shin pads. Sadly when you’re the Edmonton Oilers you end up having no choice but to take these low percentage shots because you apparently lack the intelligence to try something else. Fun fact: When large women behind you begin yelling shoooooooot proceed to do the same with the exception of yelling it when your team has the puck in their defensive zone.

Number 2: “The Should of Been Superstar”

I personally LOVE listening to these ones, maybe it’s because I’ve told them to many times myself! At least I have the decency to keep it to a room full of underage girls unlike these guys. There is nothing more comical then listening to a guy tell his date about how his coach told him he was a mix of Bobby Orr and Chris Chelios (only better) in front of some odd 100 people. Make no bones about it, this guy wants to be heard because he talks loud enough so the other guys and girls sitting in his section know full well he is currently sitting 15th in team scoring on his local Junior C hockey club.

Number 3: “The Chatty Kathy”

I know what you’re thinking. This is all about the broad that never shuts up and pays attention to the game. You’re exactly right however, this label isn’t singled out to just women because I’ve heard a lot of guys run there yap all game long talking about trucks, women, etc. Please do us all a favor, If you’re going to make noise non stop for 2 and a half hours do so supporting the team, we don’t want to hear about how you caught the clap from some hooker you purchased on 96th street.

Number 4: “The I’m just here fan”

This one is a rare breed north of the border (I have spotted them though). In my adventures south of the border however I have managed to stumble across this rare species on more then one occasion. Once they were reading a book, another time doing a crossword, and more recently even knitting a sweater! If you ever do come across this rare and exotic beast proceed with caution…or better yet rip up whatever there doing similar to the “Terrace is Hockeyville”

Number 5: “The Wanna Be Puckbunny”

I shouldn’t be complaining about this one because I enjoy T and A like every other straight guy out there but where does one draw the line between looking good and looking for attention. Is it necessary to wear the shortest skirt possible and a cut off shirt to show your jumblies in the middle of a Canadian winter because you’re sitting front row? If you want to be an attention whore then flash yourself on the big screen. You’re a hoe and every guy loves it…point taken.

Number 6: “The Spilling Drunk”

I’m quite proud to say that in all the years I’ve attended games I’ve not once spilt on the people in front of me, sure many times on myself but that’s not what this is about. Its about the idiot who cant tell when he’s had enough and decides that even though he has 3 heroin beers under his seat he better get 2 more for the final twenty minutes. The home team is down 2 to 1 when all of a sudden they SCORE to tie it up which sends Spilly Drunk jumping out of his chair forgetting he has two full beers in his hand and ultimately two empty beers as he dumps it all over the girl sitting in front of him.

Number 7: “The Arrogant Tough Guy Drunk”

While this could technically fall in with the Spilly Drunk these guys often aren’t out of control in terms of pure stupidity. Instead there stupidity turns to anger which often leads to fights with rival fans or better yet pouring full beers on the people who are pissing them off.

Number 8: “Random Jersey Guy” as well as “Stupid Jersey Name Guy”

The Oilers and Flames are set to play another game in the historic battle of Alberta when low and behold Chicago Bulls Hall of Famer Michael Jordan appears in the crowd! The lineups for tonight include our starting defensemen “So Close #06″ and of course “You Suck #44″.

Number 9: “Mr. Negativity”

This is probably the category I fit into best this year but after watching this team get out shot, outhit, outworked, and most certainly out classed I had a right to be negative. Losing 7 games of the last 9 in a pivotal playoff stretch drive and having all your players deflect criticism thinking they played good enough to win is the talk of “losers!” Led by there loser coach and the rest of the loser organization these plugs never deserved to be amongst the final eight teams.

Negative enough for you?

and finally…

Number 10: “Mr. Know-it-all who knows nothing at all”

This list and this definition goes out to the guys sitting behind us tonight. I never heard but my fellow comrade Jmoe enlightened me that prior to the game one know-it-all was quoted as asking “Have you ever played hockey?” to which the other responded “Nope, never stepped foot on the ice”. Well you could have fooled me, the sheer brilliance coming out of your mouths tonight should of put you into the front running for head coach of the Edmonton Oilers. An example of many was our goalie playing the puck to a defensemen and Mr. know-it-all telling our section it was a bad rebound. Better yet was the bad decision to dump the puck in when his linemates were on a change and he was 1 against 5. Mr. Know-it-all full credit for pronouncing the words right at least, but next time use them in the right context. You may like hockey because you’re a fanboy of your local team but don’t for one second think you even can explain the difference between a 2-1-2 and a 1-2-2, it pains me to hear it.

Yes, these are all real experiences I’ve witnessed first hand through the 300 or so home games I’ve been a part of in Rexall. Please do tell if you think I’ve forgotten someone.

PS. Go Blackhawks!