As I said, I’m now all about konfidence. Some may even say its my middle name…I’ll leave that one to you. Shi**y occurrences dominate our society. I challenge you to open one media outlet and easily find an encouraging headline. As my colleague (and bfff) noted in The State Of Our Union, the world is a brutal place. So I’ve taken it upon myself to shove rays of sunshine up everyone’s ass today and share with you some past, present and future tales that should put a fat grin on your face.

✔ First of all, I would like to announce a solution to a newfound problem faced by members of the aquarium. It may take some commitment, but I am confident my friends will come through. I have found a place for thy aquarium to reside. When I say thy, I mean all 11 members. It needs a little reno work, but I’m sure if we all pitch in a team effort we can transform it into something worthy of sea beasts and crustaceans. Two words will lure other underwater inhabitants to our new home like the mating calls of dolphins, elk, and the Big Show: Jacuzzi Tub. Can anyone say soak?

The New Aquarium

✔ Second, hats off to the Saints – Vikings game this past sunday. Scratch that, no one wants to see Drew Brees without a lid on his melon. But whether you enjoy the gridiron or not, you cannot deny the fact this game was one worthy of greatness. Don’t believe me? This game (54 million) was the most viewed non-Superbowl television event since the Seinfeld finale in 1998 (75 million). I guess this goes to show how epic Seinfeld is. The Saints have turned a city once ravaged by Katrina and on the brink of self destruction, back into the proud and illustrious party we all know and love. I say Mardi Gras! (and no, you cannot get beads for seeing Big Show’s 54 D’s). It wasn’t all bad for Viking fans either. They will now all know the answer to a question in the 2011 edition of Trivial Pursuit: Who was the only quarterback in NFL history to end his career…twice…on an interception in the NFC title game? ⬇

✔ A passing grade for myself today for getting a high school student’s phone number at a bus stop and wearing a Jonathan Toews jersey to MRU. One act took a lot of balls and the other might turn into a date. Even though I’m scared she might be too old for me, a guy can hope can’t he?

✔ Wow. This can’t be right. Another check-mark for yours truly? Thats right ladies, the upcoming weeks of my life definitely deserve some recognition. My newly tagged Calgary nickname of “Holiday” has caught on nicely, and I intend to fit the mold. This weekend, two fellow sea creatures arrive in the big C for Oilers/Flames, good times, hearty laughter, and probably a few soda pops. To be honest, I’m scared for my safety as Sea Otter has been known to step outside the box. Stay tuned next week for an update, pictures and video from the weekend that was (or what I remember of it).

And last but not least, it seems fitting on the day Apple introduces the iPad, I announce something bigger. I have officially booked the best trip in human history. I’m going to leave the details vague to allow pictures do the explaining when I get back. I will provide a sneak peak exclusive to HSB. Key words: Gonzaga Bulldogs, Bandon Dunes, Golf, Alcohol, Shortys, Oregon Ducks, U.S. Open, Shortys, Olympics, Sunfire, Wolf Pack and Shortys. Look for Luke this time next month…as I hopefully survive my ordeal. One secret I will share…HSB has never been represented in photos better than what I have planned. Bonjourno.

This article has been brought to you by the letter W, for Wholy Fu*k: Luke’s word of the month for February. Because honestly, thats all I’ll be able to say come March.

Oh…and don’t think cuz I’m iced out I’ma cool off.

Arreviderci

Away we go.

#10 – Beaverlodge Porn

This isnt a new search term by any means, in fact it garnered the number one spot on the last trop ten. I put it at 10 because it’s been used before but the scary thing is while only one person googled “Beaverlodge Porn” last time it has nearly tripled in search results. That means not one, not two, but three people have went out of there way to track down some Beaverlodge porno. Wow.

#9 – Oil City Porn

When I was living in Edmonton I loved Oil City…I can only imagine how much more I would of loved it if there was actually porn involved. Let’s face it though we wouldnt be involved because we’d be preoccupied with 2 dollar shooters.

#8 – Racing Bums

Apparently the video that was done has garnered some popularity. Prepare for an arrest soon.

#7 – 2009-06-23t20 02 00 0000

I’m sure this is just another random computer slang to trick google into searching for Beaverlodge Porn or any porn for that matter. I mean seriously if you seen how many hits I get through porn requests and/or nude pictures for celebrities it makes me wonder if I should just convert this site into a porno site.

#6 – is there another name for canadian geese?

Uhhh, let me ask you which weighs more…a pound of feathers or a pound of gold.

#5 – who would win in a fight? jason bourne or jack bauer

Apparently I’m not the only loser out there who actually sat and thought about this. This was just one of five similar search terms so apparently about 10 people would watch a movie about this. Get er done!

#4 – naughty girls calgary

Aren’t all girls in Calgary naughty for cheering for the Flames?

#3 – it s a double dion pierre mcguire

Every time I hear this it’s funny, I don’t know why…it could be the huge man crush going on between the two or potentially whenever I think of Pierre Mcguire I cant help think of his “Long Active Stick” flop on TSN’s trade center with Dutchy.

#2 – tequila and squirt

The average joe would be thinking of taking a shot of tequila and then squirting a lemon but considering there are so many flipping weirdos out there (even more so on the internet) one has to wonder if someone gets turned on from someone doing a shot of tequila then shitting there pants.

#1 – cheap hookers edmonton

Good to see my constant rambling of hookers and blow in the city of Edmonton has finally drawn some traffic to my website. Cheap hookers can be found in Edmonton and there were a couple of them who liked to hang out on the corner by my old condo. One in particular on a warm sunny day felt the desire to strut around the neighborhood in a pair of nice slacks and a bra. Why I didn’t tape it I dont know, perhaps I thought it would ruin my chances. Another one got kicked out of the liqour store across the street only to faceplant into the curb because she was to drunk to walk in high heels.

What’s a cheap hooker worth in Edmonton? Im going to go out on a limb and say a bottle a Clear Creek Ice, a nine iron, and perhaps a new pair of dentures or a razor.

Till next time peddies

If you’re wondering just what the hell I’m talking about I’m referring to our weekend in Calgary at the Stampede. There is few times in ones life where he can dress and wear ridiculous straw hats and this was one of them as I believe about 80% of the Stampede population was wearing a straw or foam cowboy hat. To tell all you people I had fun would be an absolute understatement. The previous two weekends were a blast but this weekend was the clincher as I’m fairly confident the cud in my third stomach even saw some belly laughing action.

Where to begin? Well I guess I’ll start with Thursday night at Nacho Naughty’s house in Red Deer. In what I think most of us believed would be a tame night it actually turned out to be a doozy thanks to the frozen bottle of Jagermeister that side swiped us. Not a big deal I guess, unless of course you end up shooting half glasses and polishing it off within an hour, the only thing worse then a reverse Jager bomb is a reverse Jager bomb without the Red Bull. Nothing overly spectacular happened aside from Coach Carter yelling at Jay (who will play the part of Lane Frost) telling him he’s “boring the fuck out of him” which was quickly proceeded by a Coach pass out at the kitchen table.

But yet this was only the beginning of the story…

Despite all the girls complaining about headaches and hangovers we managed to hit the road, surprisingly I was perhaps the only one who actually didn’t feel like shit, I don’t know if that had anything to do with the new “natural pills” I’m taking or what but I was ready to absolutely give her. The road trip down involved me and Mr. Lane Frost downing ceasers and car flirting with some girls only to be naughty’d moments before they were about to either give us there number or ask us to pull over for a round of fellatio. If you don’t know what Naughty’d means Ill give you a quick description seeing as the day the definition was born I forgot to make mention of it in my article the following day.

Naughty’d: To screw up a sure thing with a girl(s) thanks to an act of drunkeness or complete and utter stupidity.

Example:
Girl: You guys can share a cab
Naughty’d: NO! You live in the northeast were walking home, here is 20 bucks.

If my memory is not mistaken I’m sure there were numerous moments this weekend of all of us Naughty’ing ourselves or throwing each other under a bus (right Coach?). Regardless that seems to be a regular occurrence these days. Still nothing stops us from having a good time and Friday was no exception.

Friday night involved in I think all of us hitting up the chuckwagons which turned out to be a pretty good idea as we ended up with some kick ass seats in the in field. There were a lot of illegal bets going on but the real winners turned out to be the most of us who ended up walking out of Stampede grounds loser drunk. Even though our plans changed a little (thanks to the massive line up at the Ranchmans and our VIP’s falling through) I’d argue we ended up having a better time at whatever place we ended up at down the street. The rest of the night involved some of us ending up at Trav’s place for some hotubbing…sadly all the women left or went to bed and we ended up running three strong in the hot tub, for some reason Trav didn’t want my nakedness in there (I suppose I did enough of that last weekend). My memory is a little hazy thanks to drinking some spiced rum straight but I’m almost confident someone licked one of Trav’s toads (no thats not a typo for toes).

That of course was followed up by this new fad I seem to have started called drunken facebook, something that seems to have involved from both my consistent urge to drunk dial and of course drunk text message. If you weren’t fortunate to receive a random drunken message from me in some form this past weekend I apologize, I’ll try to do better next time.

Now we come to Saturday which was exciting, hilarious, tiring, sick, then exciting, hilarious, tiring, and sick again. If there is one lesson I’ve learned from this past weekend it’s not to attend a keg party at noon before going to the bar at 5 pm, then going out for doubles when you get home at midnight. Needless to say it made for some ridiculous pictures (which Ill try to get in all there entirety for those that cant see them on Facebook) and probably some more information then some people wanted to know about…talking about Warcraft, blowing it in a girls hair, and making weird sex sounds with my hands are a few things I probably shouldn’t have done or brought up.

Saturday consisted of a keg party like I mentioned before spending most of my time either drooling at bar tub girls in Cowboys or drooling over the Urban Cowboy (aka Coach Carter) posing in front of one of the fans in the bar with his urban shirt waving in the wind. I never realized how hard it actually was to stay inside a bar and drink for longer then the 4 hours I’m (at most) accustomed too.

Four to five hours later most of the party was tuckering down and got out of Cowboys and hit up the Casino just down the street, which oddly enough seemed to re-energize some of us. Around midnight or so we took off and tried to flag down a cab to head back to our lodgings. Thankfully we caught a cab about 30 minutes later only after we tried to get Kid Rocks bus driver to give us a ride home. I don’t what the problem was with that, really I don’t.

So at that point we got back to Ashlee’s (the place we stayed) and thought it would be wise of us to go eat some food and drink some doubles at Stixx, or Styx…to tell you the truth it could of been named stinks I still wouldn’t of known and only after finding a shopping cart and watch Lane Frost go for 8 seconds complete with a dart in his mouth that was the end of the night and the weekend.

Before I finish this ridiculously long blog there are a few people that deserve thanks and congrats

First to our host Ashlee, thanks for putting up with all of us as I’m sure the smell we left in your house will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Congratulations to Rachelle for proving all of us wrong, we all had a side bet thinking you wouldn’t make it past 7 pm.

Thanks to Coach for only telling Jay he’s boring the fuck out of you, throwing me under the bus, calling Jmoe a pussy and kicking his air mattress for 10 minutes, and finally releasing yourself Sunday morning (much to the delight of Naughty).

Thanks to Jmoe for one upping me Friday night so I didn’t have to wear the foam cowboy hat. You cant even argue this fact because you walked face first into a glass door dropping your drink and breaking the cup in the process.

Congratulations to naughty for only Naughty’ing us only once (that I’m aware of) with your Friday piss break.

Thanks to Trav and Megan for the lodgings Friday night, clean your hot tub I may have soiled myself inside it.

And finally thanks to anyone who actually got to this point and read the entire thing, to that end I only say one thing…

I’m sorry.

The first one was a tirade on the state of shitty drivers in Grande Prairie and a beef with Apple and there shitty customer service. Obviously the complaint never quite hit close to home as drivers are still shitty in Grande Prairie and Apple still has shitty service…but at least apple products are superior to anything else, I still get aroused playing with my iphone (it has nothing to do with the stripper dancing on it I swear).

The first article was a wash getting his mind wet for his next and what would be last article trashing all the wanna be fatties who try to dress sexy and end up showing off a little to much.

Enjoy….

Trav’s Beaverlodge Famous Complaint Article

Idiot Fatties
Well folks I’m not denying it, it has been many a moon since I have been able to take the time to relax and find something worth writing an article about. Between finals and field school and now work I am beginning to feel a little overworked and under drunk (if that makes sense). I even had the privilege of working May long weekend, which apparently was a complete blow out from all the camps I have so far heard from.

Now I know that it is very hard to find something to complain about up here in God’s country, and honestly, I was nervous coming home that I would not be able to find material suitable enough for the Bun. But low and behold, leave it to the ever increasing cocaine capital of Alberta ( Grande Prairie) to give me some inspiration. Now this is something that is a bit traumatic to me, and usually becomes a repressed memory sometime mid September every year. It is even something I have given a name to, and am seriously trying to have emplaced as a condition in a scientific journal of medicine. I call it the Grande Prairie Syndrome, and no, it has nothing to do with raging alcoholic sausage parties (although that would probably also qualify).

This is the horrible condition where girls in GP like to think that they are runway models and can wear the same type of clothes as runway models. In the words of the late great Hunter S. Thompson “This Is Wrong”. This is something that happens way too often in Grande Prairie, and by way to often I mean roughly 3 out of every 4 women. You barely even have to make it in to town to notice these women walking around, I mean hell, I usually don’t make it past the west side industrial park. The other night I attended the showing of Star Wars with my lady friend, as I was purchasing my snacking foods, I came very near to vomiting as a group of girls came into the mall; loud, obnoxious, and about 14 sizes to large for the clothes that they were wearing. Having nightmarish flash backs to my Coral days I quickly headed for the embracing darkness of the theatre. Desperately hoping that this was just a fad prevalent in the young girls of Grande Prairie I went to Hammerheads for supper a few days later with some work associates. Horrified, I discovered that the older “smarter” ladies of the town were showing the exact same symptoms. These experiences are almost enough to make me boycott my trips into GP (and those of you who know me already know that 2 trips is damn near amazing for me) because I fear that some time in the near future I may have to gouge my own eyes out with a Philips head screw driver.

Now I am not saying that bigger girls are ugly or anything like that. I know plenty of bigger girls that are way better looking than some of the crack-head skanks you see wandering around these days and way more fun to party with. All I am saying is people have to start realizing the truth about their bodies and dressing appropriately. Hell, I am the first to admit that I am an extremely hairy man with a good sized beer belly. Hence, I do not walk around in public without a shirt on, or worse yet, a belly shirt; could you just fuckin imagine.

So to all you Grande Prairie Syndrome sufferers out there, I am giving you fair warning. Start buying clothes that fit you or else I am going to come around with a fucking permanent marker and write derogatory comments about other races on your exposed skin, because, as I can only assume, you must have it displayed for advertising purposes.

It’s been a long time coming, after having lived in the city of Calgary almost 8 years ago and not having been back probably in the last 2 to 3 years I was well over do this past weekend. I like living in Edmonton, I like my condo, I like the bums, but there is something about Calgary that makes it a step up on the city of Edmonton in the summertime. Maybe it’s the downtown area being 100 times better then Edmonton’s, or maybe I’m to busy trying to compare 17th to Whyte Avenue, or then again maybe it’s just the fact I’ve lived in this city for the better part of 6 or so years. Regardless had it not been for being declined at SAIT because the program was full chances are I could still be living there as it seems the only thing I hate about that city is it’s hockey team.

In a perfect world I’d live in Calgary with the Oilers winning Stanley Cups there but something about that just feels dirty, kind of like the bum peeing himself out back the other day.

It was a scary trip early on, I wasn’t exactly sure if King James would actually make it or he would lose a tire (or at worse a backend) which would send us flying into the ditch. It’s been a long time, a couple summers to be exact, since I got that wobbly motion sickness in a vehicle and had we had anything other then boozing on our mind we probably would of smartened up and not risked King James health. Thankfully Nacho Naughty was in Red Deer to pay 1.46 a litre at some roadside gas station with his pickup.

I guess the only negative about the weekend was the god damn rain. From shorts and a t-shirt in Edmonton to pants and a jacket in Calgary. Golf was on our minds but that quickly swayed when it rained for 72 hours straight. I guess hitting the links and getting an even earlier start on boozing probably wasn’t needed.

Friday night was an absolute riot. I warned Trav, Stone, and Reeme’s posse that we we’re going to party like it was 2001…I don’t know what it really meant but I think I was referring to the Blades of our lives. I can honestly say with somewhat of a straight face that I was one of the more sober people amongst the group. Was I sober? Absolutely not, but I wasn’t dancing on tables, nor was I passing out at the table, or at the very least puking the next morning. I say this quite often these days but I’m 100% confident everyone at the table was loser drunk and I’d even throw it out on a limb we were the drunkest yahoo’s on 17th that night.

Reasons as to why I think that? Well:

1. People trying to dance on tables.
2. An individual passing out at the table during live music five feet away from him.
3. Multiple individuals puking through the night and the morning after.
4. Listening to video of people not speaking English.
5. And probably the most important, about 90% of the group doesn’t remember anything.

Breakfast at Gilly Bobs (or Jerry Bobs I’m not 100% sure) was good, the chocolate milkshake was better. Leaving everyone else at the bar though probably puts a feather in my cap. Sorry about that…whaaaamy.

I want to say special thanks to my Calgary hosts and entertainers and of course to a certain individual for providing a good chuckle the next morning after taking a picture of you spread eagle on the floor having pee’d yourself just a touch. The only thing bad about the next day was the remix of Nacho Beef that went on for hours….and hours….and hours…and hours.

Still don’t believe me, then check out the photos from Friday night.

Calgary hasn’t seen the last of us this summer, next stop is the Calgary Stampede. Till then I’ll be in Grande Prairie this weekend to take in the Stompede…oh and maybe a few pops.

Walks

Enjoy, but first in case you havent seen it or need a refresher…

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RPZDKBbVp-0]

And the remake

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4dHnQRrh4c]

Walks
www.hotstickybun.com