My Top 10 Reasons It’s Gotta Suck To Be a Girl

Ok so maybe it’s a little harsh and maybe I’m doing it so we can get some members of the opposite sex come onto this website and tell us all to shut up. It doesn’t matter though, hotstickybun is reaching new heights and it starts by somehow getting girls involved, whether it be by complimenting there features or insulting them we have to try to do something for the love of GOD, if I have to dress up Big Show in a Bikini to attract women to this website I’ll do it.

Ok so away we go.

Although simulated, women age far worse then men

Number 10 – The Aging Process

I had a tough time putting this at number ten considering later in life it will end up being a huge issue to a lot of women but for teh vast majority of females who visit this website (3-4) age isn’t a factor right now. Men do tend to age a little better than women do because of their thicker skin caused by their male hormones. This causes fewer wrinkles and keeps their skin looking younger for longer. However, there is also evidence to suggest that women sometimes do age better than men, though generally it is not as substantial as research showing men aging better than women.

It all depends upon the individual, how much sun exposure the person has had, how many years a person has smoked, if at all and how much exercise a person does. All of these things contribute towards the aging process and women who do not smoke, do not expose their body’s to the sun too often, and who eat healthily and exercise regularly, often age just as well as men, if not better. So overall it depends on the individual but men have been proven to age better than most women.

Pretty women 15-35 have the world at their knees, but after that…men usually have the last laugh.

Makeup looks good but it sure takes long

Number 9 – It takes time

On the flip side of the aging process women have multiple options at their disposal to cover up wrinkles and other skin imperfections but again for some men this is a huge pain in the ass. While it takes some women upwards of an hour (and more) to get ready it often takes a good sensed logical man anywhere from 10 to 30 minutes to get ready…30 being utterly extreme.

This past summer I par took in Mr. and Mrs Perrins wedding and thanks in large part to being hungover I was late en route to Beaverlodge. Thankfully with my male skills I managed to shower, wash my hair, brush my teeth, get into dress clothes, and be out the door in 5 minutes (I believe it was approx. 4 and a half minutes). Now show me a woman who can do that and I will be forever in blue jeans.

Crying, one of many emotions

Number 8 – Emotions

Everyone has cried at one point in their lives but the majority of women out there (with the aid of mother nature) often can’t keep there emotions in check. Throw alcohol into the mix and it often at times gets worse. Any guy will tell you he can’t count how many times he has seen girls crying at bars because guys were being douches or that girl is just to emotional to begin with.

Let’s not forget all that post breakup/marriage stuff. Of course it swings both ways but more often then not when a girl gets dumped she spends the next month mulling over what happened and how much of an asshole her ex is, how much she still loves him, or how she can win him back. A guy on the other hand gets dumped he calls his buddies, gets drunk, and then heads out on the prowl to try and find his next girlfriend.

Number 7 – Social Expectations

No one looks good with a lot of junk in the trunk, love handles, double chin duckfaces, etc. Me Especially. But in today’s sexist society it is far more important for a woman to be skinny then a man. It’s almost as if you’re not a skinny model you should be living in a dungeon and not showing your face in public. Everywhere you look whether it be in People magazine, on a billboard, a newspaper ad etc, 99% of the time it involves a skinny person. Heck what’s even worse advertisements involving fast food are always surrounded by skinny people. I suppose though they can’t say “Hey eat McDonalds and you’ll become a tank”.

Number 6 – Reputations

A guy sleeps with multiple girls he’s considered a hero, a girl sleeps with a bunch of dudes she’s considered a slut. What’s worse is her friends usually agree. This is one concept I’ve never fully understood. Why is it a guy can enjoy himself with multiple partners but a girl can’t. I think if one likes bumping uglies, regardless of gender, do it and enjoy it.

Number 5 – Peeing

OK girls lets face it, how many of you out there dont wish you were a guy specifically for this reason alone? If there is one thing about being a guy that is sweet it’s the ability to pee anywhere in the world efficiently and effectively. Whether it be the side of the road of an interstate mid afternoon or off the bow of a boat it is so much easier to pee.

I’ve seen some girls try to imitate the stand up pee with some success but it was weird to say the least. Picture a girl in the mens bathroom with her boyfriend peeing in a urinal standing up.

Food for thought.

Number 4 – PMS

There comes a time usually once a month when nature takes its course. I won’t dive into specifics because we all know what I’m talking about. Rage, red rivers, and being uncomfortable are just the tip of the ice berg. As guys when a girl is being cranky we usually pawn it off saying “Oh she must be PMSing”.

Number 3 – Giving Birth

I can’t comprehend what it’s like to squeeze something about the size of a watermelon through the size of a hole small enough (insert derogatory comment here to win!) ______________. I cant help but almost laugh a little at all the shitty bad luck girls have when it comes to mother nature. PMS is bad but this one is the worst. Sure when your baby is born it makes it worth while I’m sure. But carrying around extra weight for 9 months, the labour process, the hormones, etc etc.

Then here you have us guys who plant our seed and we’re done with the whole child birth process, figuratively speaking.

Number 2 – Mr. PAP

While some men will consider gynacology a hobby of theirs most women would probably stay home rather then attend there check up. Yet no matter what for the most part this has to happen. The thought of having some cold instrument shoved up my pee hole is making me cringe. Thankfully that only happens when one is unsafe and deals with she males and $5 hookers from Edmonton.

Sex with men has to be terrible and repulsive

Number 1 – Sex

Finally the number one reason why it sucks to be a girl.

Sex.

Not just one thing about but a whole bunch of factors. First off all men are gross. Some have hair growing where it shouldn’t, others smell of bad BO, and worse yet our sex organ is the penis (wang, tally whacker, schlong, johnson, etc.) That right there just screams “NASTY”.

Then of course if you deal with that you’re left with having to deal with the actual act of sex. What if the “size” is to small, what if by chance he doesn’t know how to crank some dials, and worst yet…what if it’s over in a minute? These are all things that women are faced with and usually stumble upon daily. If your girlfriend isn’t wanting sex, well it means she is either in her monthly cycle or you just flat out suck at doing the deeds.

On the other hand as guys…

Sex is good regardless of size, length, or time. The end result always feels the same whether it lasts 2 minutes or two hours.

Of course if you’re like all of us at HSB you really can’t listen to what I’m saying because we dont have sex anyway. We’re all strict catholics.

Syyyyyyyyyke (yeah Im bringing that back into pop culture)

I loooove being a guy.

The Morning

Hard to believe that this morning was really only our second morning on the trip. Wednesday we spent a lot of time at the pool working on our Italian and creep staring before getting sun burnt and catching up on the Don Cherry story entitled Keep Your Head Up Son. Today was really our first attempt of actually doing some physical activity. We crashed early Wednesday night and awoke late Thursday morning, there were rumours that we were in for Thunderstorms and heavy wind but those turned out to be false. That in turn brought some great news as we awoke and eventually cracked some beers in anticipation of a great day.

Little did the other two know just what it is they were in store for.

If there is one thing I’ve learnt golfing over the years it’s how much a persons game can change when you’re faced with different elements. In Alberta we’re dealt with trees, water, and on most days wind, where as down south it’s ridiculous rough that doesn’t allow you to find a ball, heavy sun, and of course sand, sand, sand, and more sand. While I don’t claim to be a pro by any means I am a seasoned veteran when it came to golfing Trilogy so regardless of what happens with my game I’m usually just happy to get through it with only losing a couple of balls. I’m quite sure Stilly was ready to kill somebody or at the very least walk down into a wash and find a rattlesnake to step on.

Beer Cart Broadjourno

With most men (maybe women I dunno) when you’re having a bad game you can always fall back on hope that despite shanking it into the tulies you see the beer cart girl on the next hole and realize that there’s more important things then finding that ball, like buying 6 beer so you can forget about your score and more importantly what it is you’re doing to suck so much ass at golf. Today that never happened.

We can take solace that she was extremely hot but when men only get one round of drinks in an 18 hole golf game it’s safe to assume that you suck at your jobjourno. If there is one thing that balances out a bad golf game it’s enjoying 18-20 barley pops to numb the pain.

The Gieco Gecko Sold Us Insurance

Mallory

It’s one thing not to have beers but to have that son of a bitch Geico Gecko throw us a sales bitch on the seventh hole is another. We get it, your insurance rates are superb and it’s so easy a caveman can do it. But we’re Canadians and I think cavemen are ugly.

So That’s It

Pretty uneventful day. I wish I wasn’t here typing this but I can’t sleep because my face and legs are sunburnt and it stings a little. The good news about today is we can finally go and pick up another flat each at Safeway tomorrow because we’ve managed to drink 60 beer already. If there is one thing we all will take away from this trip it’s going to be an extra 20lbs. It’s one thing to drink beer all day every day, its another entirely to have turkey for dinner only to be pounding nachos, cheese, and ground beef 3 hours later…WITH BEER.

Anyways tomorrow is Friday, it’s supposed to be in the mid 80′s, which should mean more sunburns and plenty more beer to be drank. Till tomorrowderci.

Oh yeah before I forget be sure to enjoy the latest video I added, it should be a good intro to a site we talked about last summer called Whack Fuck Golf.

The Morning

Being in an airport most of yesterday made things a little tough so we tried to calm our nerves with an early morning breakfast consisting of bacon, eggs, toast, and of course beer and Motts Clamatojourno. It was a sharp start to the day and Stilly never suffered the after effects like the previous day when he enjoyed a five meat skillet in Edmonton. The battle shits competition in the Edmonton Airport should never be talked about but in all honesty it was to close to call so we will be uploading a photo finish for the fans to declare a winner.

Back on topic.

Our hostess for the week had said she wasn’t going to buy us any more beer because we had to finish what was left of the Coors Light in the fridge. My first thought was we would probably have our hands full but I quickly sobered up and realized that we’re alcoholics and no matter what the population of beer in the fridge it would be gone that night. Sure enough two lone soldiers remained the next morning which were promptly KO’d through breakfast.

With no army to back us we had to find some recruits. Thus our next stop would be the local Safeway. Now if you’ve never had the priviledge of visiting the United States your liver is probably a lot better off but if you have you know full well what I’m talking about. No matter how many times I’ve been here it still brings a giddy school girl laugh to think I can buy a flat of beer (bottles) for under 20 bucks. It quickly became apparent that our philosophy was to buy one each and prepare for war…the battle lines had been drawn. Bud Light vs Miller Lite vs the seasoned vet, Budweiser. I’m not entirely sure who’s winning but it can’t be Bud Light because Im sitting here typing this trying to make everyone feel a little less happy.

Zims Chiling By the Pooladerci

The Afternoon

Not wanting to feel like slobs most of the day it felt right to get some exercise in. Off to the swimming pool we went, next to the 3 flats of beer being 60 bucks the second greatest news of the day was that you could now get waited on while soaking. A brisk 20 minute walk, a quick tour around the complex, a shriek from some of the ladies by the pool when I removed my shirt, and we then commenced to soaking with a beer in hand.

Being the complete creep he is it didn’t take Stilly long to spot what is now being dubbed as “Momjourno”, better known to people who aren’t fluent in Italian as a MILF. Endless hours of creep staring and wondering is she actually checking us out lead Stilly to lean over and say “It seems like she is always looking over here, is she checking us out or maybe she’s just catching me creep staring”, to which I responded “No Stilly, it just looks that way because she has sunglasses on.” That didn’t stop us from feverishly watching her adjust her massive boobjournos…we’re quite confident we seen some tan lines and a nipple.

At 3pm however her 6 and 14 year old had to leave because of the strict pool curfew…away she went leaving us bonerjournoed in the pool never to see her again. Typical broad! Tease!

Thankfully we closed down the pool with last call and proceeded to stumble home.

Miller Lite's By The Pool

The Evening

Which leads us to this moment. After having pounded many hot dogs and hamburglers we kicked back to par take in the ever so popular (and liver killer) sunset. It’s 7:45 pm Phoenix time and the war has just began to reach it’s climatic peak. The battle lines have been drawn and the chemical warfare has began, striking first it was Stilly who just blew a burp into my face. I will answer with some arrividerci gas.

The Sun has set, the crickets are cricketing, we’re listening to some really weird music with the desert dogs howling in the background at some cranky owl.

Breaking NEWS Stilly is sun burnt.

All in all it was a pretty enjoyable first day. That being said it was only the first day. Tomorrow involves much of the same with a side plate of golfaderci. Many balls will be lost, many beers will be drank, and you can sure as hell bet the poor golf cart girl will be creep stared heavily only to tease us and leave us with golf pant bonerjournos.

BROAD!

Till Next time.

PS: It’s Miller Time

Conan Obrien, the true king of latenight

Team Conan

My real concern is does anyone even watch Jay Leno? We’ve had this debate before about which program was the best late night show on television and not once did Leno’s name ever come up. Kimmel, Letterman, Conan, and Ferguson all seemed to be names being spoken. I suppose judging by this website it’s easy to see I enjoy the same sense of goofy humour that Conan brings to the table and while I am not a religious late night viewer (thanks to all this dreaded hockey) when I do tune in there usually isn’t a dull moment on the program.

Whale Week

Perhaps the first experience of Conan was back in the brisk winter of 99-2000 (I think)…you know the Y2K? This has nothing to do with it but it was one of the first moments I watched Conan and ironically I still talk about the devoted “Whale Week” in which Late Night devoted an entire week to a whale costume they had purchased for $4000. Tons of ridiculous moments and it was capped off by a special appearance by none other then Robert Goulet himself…

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqbNS3FzSG0]

In the Year 2000

On going skit that I was quite happy to see them bring back when they made the move to The Tonight Show (of course changed to “In the Year 3000″). Inane millennial predictions filmed in the style of a Swedish music video? With David Duchovny? Emceed by Andy Richter? There’s genuinely nothing not to love. Better still, the running bit (often starring unannounced A-listers who wouldn’t dare be this alien in L.A.) continued well after the millennium came and went.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87soTsQjf5Y]

Walker Texas Ranger Lever

After NBC took over the USA network Conan was at his leisure to play as many Walker Texas Ranger clips without having to fork over the dough. The results were often comical and actually ended with a appearance by none other then Chuck Norris himself.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

Triumph first appeared in 1997 and has made appearances ever since. Triumph’s debut was in a comedy skit about unusually talented dogs at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, from which he was eventually banned (though his third visit to the show was by invitation). In perhaps his biggest hit on Late Night Triumph made an appearance at the lineup for fans waiting to get in to see the latest Star Wars.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugk37TvIR8E&feature=player_embedded]

Vomiting Kermit & Shit Eating Duck

What makes Conan great is the ridiculous props he gave to mascots.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVSTiYzy3Jc&feature=player_embedded]

Finnish Idol

Apparently a huge hit in the country of Finland Conan was told by Finnish tourists that he resembled their country’s female President, he was so amused that he fake-campaigned for her re-election. Conan urged Fins to vote for Tarja Halonen because she looked like him — admitting that he knew nothing about her actual platforms — and promised to visit Finland if she won. At the time, Late Night with Conan O’Brien was very popular in Finland, and his unofficial campaigning had been aired on local news programs. So when Halonen won re-election in 2006, Conan made good on his promise.

Conan was mobbed by fans at the airport, appeared on a weird Finnish talk show, and tried to surprise one of his fans, but she wasn’t home. “If this was a scripted show,” he said, “Someone would have answered the door.” Instead, Conan knocked on the door of another person named Forss Fagerstrom.

Conan O Brien in Finland

Much More

There is obviously much more but living in Canada sucks because Hulu won’t let me view them unless I go through a US Proxy and NBC are chodes (for letting Conan go) for taking down copyrighted material. Some obvious mentionables include the rants with Arnold Schwarzenegger, the trip to Houston, the infamous writers strike beard, hornymanatee.com, picking Apples with Mr. T, and of course Andy Richter.

The Point

No point really but it’s truly a shame that NBC hosed Conan for Jay Leno. In case it’s taken you a really long time I’m a huge Conan and I hope for comedy’s sake he finds another place on TV, preferably on a network where he will be allowed to showcase his comedic genius. Whether you like him or hate there is no denying that…writing for the Simpsons back in it’s glory days is a testament to that.

What the future holds for Conan no one knows but judging by the thousands of writers, bloggers, fans, critics, and more the feeling is NBC dropped the ball giving Leno his time slot back. Jay will always have his trusty faithful but Conan is hip with today’s technology and humor which ultimately makes him a hit with todays younger generation, something NBC should probably have been aware of once people eventually tune out of Leno. Whether they tune to Conan or someone else I for one don’t really care. Unlike O’Brien who was the bigger man not wanting to move his show back for Jimmy Fallons sake Jay Leno should have done the same but instead only has one care it seems….himself.

Poor Johnny Carson is spinning in his grave watching the Tonight Show go down the shitter.

Still Not Convinced

If you’re one of those people that still dont find Conan funny then perhaps this last clip will at least get a smirk out of you…

And if that didnt work then god have mercy on your soul because you my friend are an angry angry person. Perhaps you’ll get some joy out of the fact that from being a pervert and thanks to the angry mob at digg people tracked down that good looking 1860′s woman named Nell…you know the one, the one Conan was trying to hit one.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who was wondering if she was good looking under that smock of 1800′s clothes, well lo and behold!

I’m a sad individual

LONG LIVE CONAN!

Away we go.

#10 – Beaverlodge Porn

This isnt a new search term by any means, in fact it garnered the number one spot on the last trop ten. I put it at 10 because it’s been used before but the scary thing is while only one person googled “Beaverlodge Porn” last time it has nearly tripled in search results. That means not one, not two, but three people have went out of there way to track down some Beaverlodge porno. Wow.

#9 – Oil City Porn

When I was living in Edmonton I loved Oil City…I can only imagine how much more I would of loved it if there was actually porn involved. Let’s face it though we wouldnt be involved because we’d be preoccupied with 2 dollar shooters.

#8 – Racing Bums

Apparently the video that was done has garnered some popularity. Prepare for an arrest soon.

#7 – 2009-06-23t20 02 00 0000

I’m sure this is just another random computer slang to trick google into searching for Beaverlodge Porn or any porn for that matter. I mean seriously if you seen how many hits I get through porn requests and/or nude pictures for celebrities it makes me wonder if I should just convert this site into a porno site.

#6 – is there another name for canadian geese?

Uhhh, let me ask you which weighs more…a pound of feathers or a pound of gold.

#5 – who would win in a fight? jason bourne or jack bauer

Apparently I’m not the only loser out there who actually sat and thought about this. This was just one of five similar search terms so apparently about 10 people would watch a movie about this. Get er done!

#4 – naughty girls calgary

Aren’t all girls in Calgary naughty for cheering for the Flames?

#3 – it s a double dion pierre mcguire

Every time I hear this it’s funny, I don’t know why…it could be the huge man crush going on between the two or potentially whenever I think of Pierre Mcguire I cant help think of his “Long Active Stick” flop on TSN’s trade center with Dutchy.

#2 – tequila and squirt

The average joe would be thinking of taking a shot of tequila and then squirting a lemon but considering there are so many flipping weirdos out there (even more so on the internet) one has to wonder if someone gets turned on from someone doing a shot of tequila then shitting there pants.

#1 – cheap hookers edmonton

Good to see my constant rambling of hookers and blow in the city of Edmonton has finally drawn some traffic to my website. Cheap hookers can be found in Edmonton and there were a couple of them who liked to hang out on the corner by my old condo. One in particular on a warm sunny day felt the desire to strut around the neighborhood in a pair of nice slacks and a bra. Why I didn’t tape it I dont know, perhaps I thought it would ruin my chances. Another one got kicked out of the liqour store across the street only to faceplant into the curb because she was to drunk to walk in high heels.

What’s a cheap hooker worth in Edmonton? Im going to go out on a limb and say a bottle a Clear Creek Ice, a nine iron, and perhaps a new pair of dentures or a razor.

Till next time peddies

The question I have, who would win in a fight between Jason Bourne and Jack Bauer?

Immediately most are thinking that Bourne would literally rip ass on Jack Bauer and I initially agreed to that conclusion but the more I watch Bauer kick ass the more I’m starting to think it would be a better tussle then one thinks. So lets get to it shall we?

The Contestants

Jason Bourne from the Bourne Identity (Bourne Supremacy, Bourne Ultimatum)
vs
Jack Bauer from the television show 24

Alright now that thats out the way let’s get to know our contestants a little more, up first Jason Bourne.

Jason Bourne

Facts

Can kill you with rolled up newspapers, washcloths, and books.
Can outrun a sniper rifle.
Has amnesia.
Once worked for the U.S government but now is hunted by them.
Speaks multiple languages.
Can calculate what you’ll be doing 20 years from now.
Has a way with shady chicks!

Video Highlights

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2C9XSf8QrFU]

and now

Jack Bauer

Facts

Most likely the best shot the government has ever seen.
Has been able to outwit enemies on multiple near death tortures and injuries.
Can fly planes, disarm bombs, and deliver babies at the same time.
Had an affair.
Never retreats, just attacks in the opposite direction.
Once shot himself 10 times to prove that 50 cent is a bitch.
Has a great last name because it relates to hockey.
And has a really hot daughter!

Video Highlights

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBzwPvaBYWE]

The Fight

Bourne has virtually none of the resources Bauer has. He’s a big fat loner being hunted by the same people both work(ed) for. If Bauer wanted to he could probably order up a nuke and drop it on the city Bourne is hiding in. On the other hand Bourne was built for one thing…to kill your ass. Him not being the killer he was trained to be anymore can make him a dangerous man if you come after him. Bauer on the other hand is usually nothing more then a Government patsy trying to save the world.

In a fair fight featuring nothing more then fisticuffs Bourne wins hands down, but lets face it, who fights fair now a days anyways? Bauer would finish the job on Bourne by any means necessary simply because Bourne wants to be left alone. Kim Bauer flashes her jumblies and Jack shoots him in the head, If he’s willing to tell his daughter to kill a guy who’s to say he wont get her to flash her boobs? It would work on me, most nudity does.

I dont know, I’m at a loss on who would actually kill the other guy and I may continue to debate this until I get caught up on what’s happening in the current season of 24 or see the fourth movie of Bourne, of course the writers could settle this for all who care (James and I) and have Bourne make a guest appearance. The story fits in perfectly, Jack sides with the Government and agrees to hunt Jason to protect Kim Bauer from Bourne’s Chlaymedia for 24 hours.

Tell me you wouldn’t watch that, tell me who would win, better yet tell me to seek mental help after spending 30 minutes writing about this.

Of course if they’re going to duke it out I have a feeling James Bond will want a peace of the action.

Now because I know you all want to hear it, I’m going to give you my top ten “idiotic” hockey fans.

Number 1: “Shooooooooooooooooooot”

This is pretty much a given number 1. Anyone, and I mean ANYONE, who has played hockey knows the purpose of a powerplay. We all know that you’re given the man advantage to move the puck around to open up lanes to give a glorified scoring chance, what most these idiots think it’s for is to have your star player take a shot below the hash marks on the side boards or perhaps even wind up for that big slapper and drill it right into a defenders shin pads. Sadly when you’re the Edmonton Oilers you end up having no choice but to take these low percentage shots because you apparently lack the intelligence to try something else. Fun fact: When large women behind you begin yelling shoooooooot proceed to do the same with the exception of yelling it when your team has the puck in their defensive zone.

Number 2: “The Should of Been Superstar”

I personally LOVE listening to these ones, maybe it’s because I’ve told them to many times myself! At least I have the decency to keep it to a room full of underage girls unlike these guys. There is nothing more comical then listening to a guy tell his date about how his coach told him he was a mix of Bobby Orr and Chris Chelios (only better) in front of some odd 100 people. Make no bones about it, this guy wants to be heard because he talks loud enough so the other guys and girls sitting in his section know full well he is currently sitting 15th in team scoring on his local Junior C hockey club.

Number 3: “The Chatty Kathy”

I know what you’re thinking. This is all about the broad that never shuts up and pays attention to the game. You’re exactly right however, this label isn’t singled out to just women because I’ve heard a lot of guys run there yap all game long talking about trucks, women, etc. Please do us all a favor, If you’re going to make noise non stop for 2 and a half hours do so supporting the team, we don’t want to hear about how you caught the clap from some hooker you purchased on 96th street.

Number 4: “The I’m just here fan”

This one is a rare breed north of the border (I have spotted them though). In my adventures south of the border however I have managed to stumble across this rare species on more then one occasion. Once they were reading a book, another time doing a crossword, and more recently even knitting a sweater! If you ever do come across this rare and exotic beast proceed with caution…or better yet rip up whatever there doing similar to the “Terrace is Hockeyville”

Number 5: “The Wanna Be Puckbunny”

I shouldn’t be complaining about this one because I enjoy T and A like every other straight guy out there but where does one draw the line between looking good and looking for attention. Is it necessary to wear the shortest skirt possible and a cut off shirt to show your jumblies in the middle of a Canadian winter because you’re sitting front row? If you want to be an attention whore then flash yourself on the big screen. You’re a hoe and every guy loves it…point taken.

Number 6: “The Spilling Drunk”

I’m quite proud to say that in all the years I’ve attended games I’ve not once spilt on the people in front of me, sure many times on myself but that’s not what this is about. Its about the idiot who cant tell when he’s had enough and decides that even though he has 3 heroin beers under his seat he better get 2 more for the final twenty minutes. The home team is down 2 to 1 when all of a sudden they SCORE to tie it up which sends Spilly Drunk jumping out of his chair forgetting he has two full beers in his hand and ultimately two empty beers as he dumps it all over the girl sitting in front of him.

Number 7: “The Arrogant Tough Guy Drunk”

While this could technically fall in with the Spilly Drunk these guys often aren’t out of control in terms of pure stupidity. Instead there stupidity turns to anger which often leads to fights with rival fans or better yet pouring full beers on the people who are pissing them off.

Number 8: “Random Jersey Guy” as well as “Stupid Jersey Name Guy”

The Oilers and Flames are set to play another game in the historic battle of Alberta when low and behold Chicago Bulls Hall of Famer Michael Jordan appears in the crowd! The lineups for tonight include our starting defensemen “So Close #06″ and of course “You Suck #44″.

Number 9: “Mr. Negativity”

This is probably the category I fit into best this year but after watching this team get out shot, outhit, outworked, and most certainly out classed I had a right to be negative. Losing 7 games of the last 9 in a pivotal playoff stretch drive and having all your players deflect criticism thinking they played good enough to win is the talk of “losers!” Led by there loser coach and the rest of the loser organization these plugs never deserved to be amongst the final eight teams.

Negative enough for you?

and finally…

Number 10: “Mr. Know-it-all who knows nothing at all”

This list and this definition goes out to the guys sitting behind us tonight. I never heard but my fellow comrade Jmoe enlightened me that prior to the game one know-it-all was quoted as asking “Have you ever played hockey?” to which the other responded “Nope, never stepped foot on the ice”. Well you could have fooled me, the sheer brilliance coming out of your mouths tonight should of put you into the front running for head coach of the Edmonton Oilers. An example of many was our goalie playing the puck to a defensemen and Mr. know-it-all telling our section it was a bad rebound. Better yet was the bad decision to dump the puck in when his linemates were on a change and he was 1 against 5. Mr. Know-it-all full credit for pronouncing the words right at least, but next time use them in the right context. You may like hockey because you’re a fanboy of your local team but don’t for one second think you even can explain the difference between a 2-1-2 and a 1-2-2, it pains me to hear it.

Yes, these are all real experiences I’ve witnessed first hand through the 300 or so home games I’ve been a part of in Rexall. Please do tell if you think I’ve forgotten someone.

PS. Go Blackhawks!

I will try not to bore anyone with the details of my failure from the weekend as it usually ends up like…

Guy gets drunk, guy strikes out cause he’s to drunk, guy drinks more, guy screws up a sure thing, guy passes out , wakes up, then claims “he’s never drinking again”. I’ve probably done that more times then I’m proud to say.

Aside from the good things that took place there were a lot of bad things that probably overshadowed the drinking. Where does a guy begin? Well I suppose I could talk about Hudson’s Friday night and the most atrocious puke I’ve ever smelt in my life. I’ve witnessed a lot of puke episodes at a bar before having attended multiple 25 cent draft nights at both the (former) Corral and Cowboys, I’ve seen a guy puke down some girls shirt, some guy puke all over a bouncer, heck I’ve even managed to upchuck in my beer bottle after having one two many Tequila shots (thanks for that whole shooter tray again Trav), but I have NEVER seen someone puke in a bar and literally move an entire crowd out of it. It was one of those moments where had I had my camera it surely would of been a masterpiece seeing the crowd flock towards fresh air.

Saturday night involved the first of two trips to Oil City, nothing in particular happened inside but outside what I thought (key word “thought”) was a sure thing was tossed out the window when I and my accomplice spent the better part of the night talking to a homeless guy. By better part of night I mean we were there till close to 5 in the morning bullshitting with this guy before he went on his way. Thankfully we were fortunate to see the other side of good bum/bad bum. On one hand you feel some sympathy for one guy who hit the wall from having everything taken from him and then you have another guy who is cracked out on “rock” and wanting to buy some us. Unfortunately for him I don’t do “rock” but had he been somewhat sober he would of seen the drug dealer who pulled up beside us around 3:30 am trying to sell us some of his goods. Life must be good for him because I’m sure he was driving a BMW, you would think though as a drug dealer you would try to be a little more discrete.

But alas that wasn’t the end because we had the privilege of nearly hanging out with a crack whore and had the fun of seeing some homeless eating moldy bread. I’ll leave it at it being an “interesting night” to say the least.

Then Sunday night rolled around and yes we once again went to Oil City. Much to our surprise (and maybe the governments lame new law limiting the sale of cheap highballs) I doubt I will ever see Oil City Roadhouse that dead again if and when I’m ever there. I’ll throw it out there that there was probably no more then 200 inside the bar at any time, maybe even under 100. Regardless fun was had, maybe a little to much fun (after I scan the 30 minute video I took inside the bar Ill be sure to put up some highlights). Outside sucked and no time was wasted for most of us to head home…except for one straggler named Chaps who apparently got lost (or probably ditched due to drunkeness). Upon wondering just where the hell he was I finally got a phone call from him telling us he was in China town…to this day one still wont know why he walked up that way or even walked to my condo to begin with but he did.

Sure I walked home from Rexall through sketch town on 118 ave one night after Bar None but I have never and will never test myself walking home through China Town (most Edmonton stabbings/shootings happen in China Town, or so I was told). After being a little worried I tried calling him back after he made mention of two people following him but I couldn’t get a hold of him, so like a good friend I made breakfast for myself and waited…about 10 minutes before the alcohol took over and I passed out.

Thankfully Chaps made it home, unfortunately he had one more hurdle, with me passed out and pretty much the entire condo that hurdle was bigger then anything you will ever see at the Beijing Olympics this summer, that hurdle came in the size of scaling my balcony to try and get into my locked patio door. After actually making it up the siding he apparently spent a good deal of time knocking on the patio door and living room window before deciding it was time to kick in the door. Despite laying into my patio door no one awoke which is nice to know, considering a potential rapist, murderer, or even petty thief could have brought a battering ram and wiped me out and left us all with a case of gonnorhea. Even as I sit here with my noise canceling headphones someone could be stealing my plasma or getting ready to stab me in the back which is a nice bedtime thought.

But things turned out fine except for the rest of the day Monday and I apologize again for locking Chaps out of the house…

With that said though I hope all you assholes stay away from me for a month, I don’t think my liver nor my old man balls can handle another weekend like that anytime soon.

I’m sure for anyone that’s talked to me in the past couple weeks know full well how much fun all of us had at the wedding and that I feel somewhat guilty for potentially getting some of the staff at the Rimrock Hotel fired. For those that haven’t heard the jist of it is some of us were chasing some of the girls there and we ended up down in the staff basement, exactly where we’re not supposed to be. I don’t know what happened to them but after talking to one of the cooks the next morning most of the people were in a lot of trouble and probably out of work. In the words of Champ Kind, sorry about that…WHAMMY!

Regardless that was just one of a handful of stories from the Banff weekend. The majority of everything else I’d like to talk about should probably be stricken from the internet as some people from the wedding actually have careers to worry about or in worst case are in the national spotlight from time to time.

This past weekend was supposed to be a change of pace and a chance for me to detox before I headed to Calgary for the Stampede…what really happened is something I’m almost ashamed to talk about.

The reunion was good, I’ll be the first to admit that it was a little disappointing more people didn’t have the chance to show up so I could tell them about what I was up to now a days. For those that didn’t get that chance and read this (and I know there are a few) its simple. I’m doing the same thing I was doing in High School just a little fatter, a little drunker, and probably a lot more immature. For anyone that did talk to me that night (or the next morning for that matter) I to apologize, that wasn’t a foreign language I was speaking just jibberish due to intoxication.

Despite all the glory that the reunion was things took a turn for the worse the next day when I was supposed to go home as it seems I got caught up drinking a morning beer (or 10) and ended up at Brocko’s house for supper. The steaks were glory town, the corn was overcooked, and to tell you the truth I dont know what else we ate aside from a bottle of sour puss and Jose Cuervo (thats Spanish for Tequila). In honor of High School Ill put this into a simple math equation with a solution:

Draft Beer all morning + Sour Puss + Jose Cuervo + Red Wine = A sexy naked party.

I know what you’re thinking and yes for some bright reason the party ended up being naked. I’m still shaking my head. I’m shaking my head as I’m writing this and Ill be shaking my head as I continue to tell the story this week to everyone down south…after all as embarrassing as it was to showcase this healthy computer screen glow it still was fairly hilarious.

But that was the jist of what I remember from the reunion. I dont think anyone hooked up for old times sake but it was in true high school fashion where the ratio was about 10 guys to 1 girl and every girl is either married or dating one of the guys there.

Hopefully this upcoming weekend at the Calgary Stampede will result in a little better odds and a lot less male nudity.

Walks

The first one was a tirade on the state of shitty drivers in Grande Prairie and a beef with Apple and there shitty customer service. Obviously the complaint never quite hit close to home as drivers are still shitty in Grande Prairie and Apple still has shitty service…but at least apple products are superior to anything else, I still get aroused playing with my iphone (it has nothing to do with the stripper dancing on it I swear).

The first article was a wash getting his mind wet for his next and what would be last article trashing all the wanna be fatties who try to dress sexy and end up showing off a little to much.

Enjoy….

Trav’s Beaverlodge Famous Complaint Article

Idiot Fatties
Well folks I’m not denying it, it has been many a moon since I have been able to take the time to relax and find something worth writing an article about. Between finals and field school and now work I am beginning to feel a little overworked and under drunk (if that makes sense). I even had the privilege of working May long weekend, which apparently was a complete blow out from all the camps I have so far heard from.

Now I know that it is very hard to find something to complain about up here in God’s country, and honestly, I was nervous coming home that I would not be able to find material suitable enough for the Bun. But low and behold, leave it to the ever increasing cocaine capital of Alberta ( Grande Prairie) to give me some inspiration. Now this is something that is a bit traumatic to me, and usually becomes a repressed memory sometime mid September every year. It is even something I have given a name to, and am seriously trying to have emplaced as a condition in a scientific journal of medicine. I call it the Grande Prairie Syndrome, and no, it has nothing to do with raging alcoholic sausage parties (although that would probably also qualify).

This is the horrible condition where girls in GP like to think that they are runway models and can wear the same type of clothes as runway models. In the words of the late great Hunter S. Thompson “This Is Wrong”. This is something that happens way too often in Grande Prairie, and by way to often I mean roughly 3 out of every 4 women. You barely even have to make it in to town to notice these women walking around, I mean hell, I usually don’t make it past the west side industrial park. The other night I attended the showing of Star Wars with my lady friend, as I was purchasing my snacking foods, I came very near to vomiting as a group of girls came into the mall; loud, obnoxious, and about 14 sizes to large for the clothes that they were wearing. Having nightmarish flash backs to my Coral days I quickly headed for the embracing darkness of the theatre. Desperately hoping that this was just a fad prevalent in the young girls of Grande Prairie I went to Hammerheads for supper a few days later with some work associates. Horrified, I discovered that the older “smarter” ladies of the town were showing the exact same symptoms. These experiences are almost enough to make me boycott my trips into GP (and those of you who know me already know that 2 trips is damn near amazing for me) because I fear that some time in the near future I may have to gouge my own eyes out with a Philips head screw driver.

Now I am not saying that bigger girls are ugly or anything like that. I know plenty of bigger girls that are way better looking than some of the crack-head skanks you see wandering around these days and way more fun to party with. All I am saying is people have to start realizing the truth about their bodies and dressing appropriately. Hell, I am the first to admit that I am an extremely hairy man with a good sized beer belly. Hence, I do not walk around in public without a shirt on, or worse yet, a belly shirt; could you just fuckin imagine.

So to all you Grande Prairie Syndrome sufferers out there, I am giving you fair warning. Start buying clothes that fit you or else I am going to come around with a fucking permanent marker and write derogatory comments about other races on your exposed skin, because, as I can only assume, you must have it displayed for advertising purposes.