The Beer Fridge Is Ready, 3 Flats, 60 bucks.

The Morning

Being in an airport most of yesterday made things a little tough so we tried to calm our nerves with an early morning breakfast consisting of bacon, eggs, toast, and of course beer and Motts Clamatojourno. It was a sharp start to the day and Stilly never suffered the after effects like the previous day when he enjoyed a five meat skillet in Edmonton. The battle shits competition in the Edmonton Airport should never be talked about but in all honesty it was to close to call so we will be uploading a photo finish for the fans to declare a winner.

Back on topic.

Our hostess for the week had said she wasn’t going to buy us any more beer because we had to finish what was left of the Coors Light in the fridge. My first thought was we would probably have our hands full but I quickly sobered up and realized that we’re alcoholics and no matter what the population of beer in the fridge it would be gone that night. Sure enough two lone soldiers remained the next morning which were promptly KO’d through breakfast.

With no army to back us we had to find some recruits. Thus our next stop would be the local Safeway. Now if you’ve never had the priviledge of visiting the United States your liver is probably a lot better off but if you have you know full well what I’m talking about. No matter how many times I’ve been here it still brings a giddy school girl laugh to think I can buy a flat of beer (bottles) for under 20 bucks. It quickly became apparent that our philosophy was to buy one each and prepare for war…the battle lines had been drawn. Bud Light vs Miller Lite vs the seasoned vet, Budweiser. I’m not entirely sure who’s winning but it can’t be Bud Light because Im sitting here typing this trying to make everyone feel a little less happy.

Zims Chiling By the Pooladerci

The Afternoon

Not wanting to feel like slobs most of the day it felt right to get some exercise in. Off to the swimming pool we went, next to the 3 flats of beer being 60 bucks the second greatest news of the day was that you could now get waited on while soaking. A brisk 20 minute walk, a quick tour around the complex, a shriek from some of the ladies by the pool when I removed my shirt, and we then commenced to soaking with a beer in hand.

Being the complete creep he is it didn’t take Stilly long to spot what is now being dubbed as “Momjourno”, better known to people who aren’t fluent in Italian as a MILF. Endless hours of creep staring and wondering is she actually checking us out lead Stilly to lean over and say “It seems like she is always looking over here, is she checking us out or maybe she’s just catching me creep staring”, to which I responded “No Stilly, it just looks that way because she has sunglasses on.” That didn’t stop us from feverishly watching her adjust her massive boobjournos…we’re quite confident we seen some tan lines and a nipple.

At 3pm however her 6 and 14 year old had to leave because of the strict pool curfew…away she went leaving us bonerjournoed in the pool never to see her again. Typical broad! Tease!

Thankfully we closed down the pool with last call and proceeded to stumble home.

Miller Lite's By The Pool

The Evening

Which leads us to this moment. After having pounded many hot dogs and hamburglers we kicked back to par take in the ever so popular (and liver killer) sunset. It’s 7:45 pm Phoenix time and the war has just began to reach it’s climatic peak. The battle lines have been drawn and the chemical warfare has began, striking first it was Stilly who just blew a burp into my face. I will answer with some arrividerci gas.

The Sun has set, the crickets are cricketing, we’re listening to some really weird music with the desert dogs howling in the background at some cranky owl.

Breaking NEWS Stilly is sun burnt.

All in all it was a pretty enjoyable first day. That being said it was only the first day. Tomorrow involves much of the same with a side plate of golfaderci. Many balls will be lost, many beers will be drank, and you can sure as hell bet the poor golf cart girl will be creep stared heavily only to tease us and leave us with golf pant bonerjournos.

BROAD!

Till Next time.

PS: It’s Miller Time

I did it!!

 Now I’m not sure how many of the things I want to do before I die that I will actually do, but hopefully it will be most of them. I mean, I’m no famous golfer like my good friend Luke who is already a celebrity and living large, but I’d like to think that anything is possible. I may not ever get to raise the Stanley Cup over my head after battling a tough 7-game final, but whos to say that I’ll never get to kiss it? And I may not ever be a celebrity, but why couldn’t I ever get the chance to throw the first pitch at a MLB game? I think I’ll meet Wayne Gretzky one day and be able to chat with him 1 on 1 about hockey.And you never know, I just might meet Megan Fox one day and marry her. This past fall I was able to achieve a personal goal I set with myself, though not a lifetime one. It was manufactured a few years ago when I fell in love with the Red Sox. I wanted to go to the most historic ball park in the continent and watch my favorite baseball team play. As you can tell in the above picture, I did it.

It started as a kind of joke with a buddy, “Hey wanna come to Boston with me?” And it ended as what will be one of the best weeks of my life. We booked hotels and flights, and I soon realized this was actually going to happen. The trip kept on getting closer and closer, and it was like waiting for Christmas as a kid all over again. Finally the time came, and we flew out of Edmonton, destination Boston. A five hour flight later, a wide-eyed cab ride to the hotel, and before I knew it I was sitting on Harvard campus enjoying cold brew. Or as Bostonites would call it, “Hahvahd”. Love that accent.

The next day was a rainy one, but unreal none-the-less. We made the hour long trip out to Foxboro for the Week 3 game between the New England Patriots, and the Atlanta Falcons. Gillette Stadium. Wow. What more can I say? The biggest arena/stadium I’ve ever seen with my own eyes for sure. And a way different atmosphere than a FL game. Not dissing, but come on. It’s not even close. Ever hear 70,000 people cheer loud, non-stop the entire game? No? Then you’ve never been to an NFL game. It was one of the coolest things I’ve ever experienced, other than sex for the first time, but we won’t go there. I could tell already, this was going to be the SECOND coolest thing I’m going to see this trip. Because the next three night involved a Red Sox game, another Red Sox game, and you guessed it. A third Red Sox game.

Hey Tom, where's Giselle?

The next day started with a walk-about tour of the entire campus of Harvard University, or at least what we thought was all of it. That place is like its own little city inside of Boston. With the Harvard owning all the surrounding apartments/houses/condos along with MIT, the entire river front seems like one gigantic school. After buying some swag we headed back to the hotel to get ready for Red Sox game #1. When the cab dropped us off about a block away from Fenway, it seemed like I was just in any other large city, with a bunch of people walking down the street in Red Sox gear. Then I saw it, and it was amazing. Up the next street were the lights of Fenway. I walked toward it like a moth to a porch light, unaware of the honking car horns and busy street corners. I was being called home. We got closer and there i was, just like I had imagined it from TV. First there was Lansdowne street, right behind the Green Monster. Then, Yawkey Way. With all the championship banners hanging outside, and the multitude of stores, bars, and hot chicks, I thought to myself “This is all I need, I never need to leave”. It was truly amazing. We got our tickets scanned and went to find our seats. On our way we walked by an exit out into the seat and saw that the pre game warmup equipment was still on the field. We wandered out and saw the tail end of the Red Sox batting practice. We walked up right behind the visitors dug out and watched David “Big Papi” Ortiz smash a half-a-dozen homers out into right-centre field. I was in Heaven. Next we walked by Pesky’s Pole out in right field. No picture today though, didn’t bring a marker to sign it. That would have to wait. And then it was time to go sit in the most well known seat in baseball. We ventured out to high right field field and sat in the chair where, supposedly, Ted Williams hit the longest recorded homer at Fenway, 502 feet from home plate. Then we got to our seats and there we watched the Blue Jays spank the Sox in just 6 and 1/2 innings 11-3. The game was called on account of rain, and boy was it pouring! We ended the night at a local pub with a few fellow Canadians who made the trip from Toronto to watch the Jays. How we got back to the hotel si a mystery to Carter and I until this very day. The only proof we have are these two pictures from the cab.

Drunk?

Yep!

The seat beyond Williamsburg, 502ft from Home Plate!

The next two days involved a lot more sight seeing, alot more drinking, and a lot more baseball. We checked out Boston University, walked around MIT for a bit, and took the famous Duck boat tour around the river. The weather was beautiful, and the people were nice. We even went to the place where everybody knows your name! We went to the zoo, museum, and checked out a few malls. We were also so privileged to witness Doc Halladay pitch a complete game shutout, which was unbelievable to be at live. Two days of touring around Boston, and two more Red Sox games, we thought “How could this trip get any better?” Well it turned out that the Boston Bruins were playing their home opener that Thursday night against the Washinton Capitals. What luck eh? So ya, after an NFL game and 3 MLB games, we went to an NHL game. Ovechkin got a couple ginos, the game was hard-fought and fast, and we consumed many more beers. And to boot, we learned that the 2 guys sitting beside us held those two season seats for a mere $1000 each. WTF? I was going to have a hard time coming home. I’m pretty sure I told carter on more than one occasion that he would be taking the return trip home, alone.

TD Garden. Canada Represent!

With only one day left in Beantown, and nothing planned, we tried deciding on something to do. We were watching TV, and saw highlights of the Red Sox game that happened while we were at the Bruins game. It turned out that the Braves were in town for the last series of the regular season. So what did we do? Well I’m glad you asked. That’s right, game number 4 bitches. We went to our sixth straight major sporting event in a row. Now, being a guy and a sports fan, most likely, can you ask for a better trip? I’ll tell you one thing, this one is going to be hard to beat. So we spent our last day relaxing at the hotel and made our way down to Fenway, one last time. Turns out it was fan appreciation night. To make a long story short, and to spare you with many exclamation points and capital letters of excitement, I walked onto the field (dirt warning track right in front of the red sox dugout), shook hands with Jason Varitek and Dustin Pedroia, and got my picture with Kevin “Yoooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuu” Youkilis. It was like the icing on the cake. I met players, walked on the field, signed Peskys Pole, and watched my boy, Jonathan Papelbon come in for the save. What a game, what a ballpark, what a city, what a trip.

Yoooooooooouuuuuuuuu

The Dropkick Murphys put it best in “I’m Shippin Up to Boston”. Although I am neither a sailor, or will I be trying to retrieve my wooden leg that I lost climbing up the top sail. But mark my words; I’ll be back. This article may have sounded like a lot of bragging, and you know what? It was! I still can’t believe what I did back in September-October of 2009. I will remember it for the rest of my life. And I suggest to you, that if you ever get the chance, go to Boston. It will amaze you. If you want to see any more pictures of Beantown, leave a comment. Address it Attn: Darren Walker. He has had the picture for months, yet theyre still not up. Maybe they’ll look better on the new and improved Bun. That’s gotta be why they’re not up yet. Right? Well here’s one that’s different than all the rest i posted. This one was taken specifically for the Bun. Enjoy.

Northeastern USA has now been tainted

Being a smart, good looking philosophical man, I have discovered turning to music in a time of need has become a necessity for me to overcome life’s numerous obstacles. And this is no exception. Honestly, I don’t usually spill my guts right off the bat, but I have had some trouble with what to write on HSB the past 6 weeks or so. This is probably quite obvious with the long periods between posts and somewhat mediocre material. Thankfully, just like the broadjourno I bonjournoed in the brown this weekend in Edmonton, good things come out of the Clear Blue Sky (that is the one and only time Lucas will ever refer to country music). Just like in the City of Champions, something that was once narrow and seemingly impossible is easily fixed with some coercion and olive oil. I’m back baby! And better than ever. Speaking of being sweet, pounding shortys, and making comebacks, I believe my black twin announced his comeback today. Obviously, we were both met with the same media attention, the only distinct difference is he f*#$ed up by getting married. Now while he’s making millions and smashing records, I’ll still be smashing other things.

The Foo Fighters are f@!%ing awesome. With that said, the above lyrics really made me think. Over the past few years we have all searched for something we once saw as unobtainable. I don’t know about you guys, but I have done some pretty cool shit in my short career of life that I never thought possible. Largely thanks to how unreal I am on the links, a lot of doors and legs have opened. But, although the successes have been many, there is still a lot of things I yearn for, as do you I’m sure. The kick ass part of my life besides everything, is my 4 followers and I have an outlet for our dreams: HSB!

All my life…I have wanted to cruise around Edmonton with the CEO of Callaway Canada in a limo drinking brews and jammin out to Foo Fighters at full tilt with the windows down. Check.

All my life…I have dreamed of being famous and nailing hotter shortys than I already do. Not much different from HSB’s new favorite Red Wing, Darren Helm. Interestingly enough, Darren and I are connected much deeper than he knows, or cares for that matter. I mean he does have a Cup ring, 7 figure salary and smokeshow girlfriend…scratch that…ex-girlfriend. That’s where Luke comes in. At the beginning of my HSB career, I mentioned how hot the shortys were at Mount Royal. This only proves my point. Pictured above alongside her Red Wing is Devon Englot, a native of The Hat and current student at MRU. How do I know this you ask? Well first, I’m a rapist, what do you expect? But second, she is the little piece of heaven I get to sit beside every Tues/Thurs from 2-3:20 in ECON 2244. God bless that school. I mean she was drawn to me and asked for the adjacent seat, but that is irrelevant. Needless to say, that takes care of the nailin hotter girls part. I mean come on, I make 4 figures and rock sweet flow. As for the famous part, that was taken care of today…and I’m bringin all of you f!@*s with me.

Lucky for us, Devon is a sweet chick. I asked her if she would like to be the HSB babe of the week. The answer…”f*!^ ya!” So after a name drop or two and giving her the executive tour of the Bun, I convinced her to text her ex and tell him to check out the site. Here at HSB we like to sprain news, not break it…none the less you are officially the first to hear that our dreams have been answered. Darren replied. “HAHA thats funny. Bunch of f*!@ing idiots.” I have never been so proud. There you have it. HSB is spreading viciously around the Detroit Red Wings as we speak. Hopefully my CEO Walks will keep me in mind when he’s ballin Armani suits and rollin Lambos.

Til Later Bitches

As I said, I’m now all about konfidence. Some may even say its my middle name…I’ll leave that one to you. Shi**y occurrences dominate our society. I challenge you to open one media outlet and easily find an encouraging headline. As my colleague (and bfff) noted in The State Of Our Union, the world is a brutal place. So I’ve taken it upon myself to shove rays of sunshine up everyone’s ass today and share with you some past, present and future tales that should put a fat grin on your face.

✔ First of all, I would like to announce a solution to a newfound problem faced by members of the aquarium. It may take some commitment, but I am confident my friends will come through. I have found a place for thy aquarium to reside. When I say thy, I mean all 11 members. It needs a little reno work, but I’m sure if we all pitch in a team effort we can transform it into something worthy of sea beasts and crustaceans. Two words will lure other underwater inhabitants to our new home like the mating calls of dolphins, elk, and the Big Show: Jacuzzi Tub. Can anyone say soak?

The New Aquarium

✔ Second, hats off to the Saints – Vikings game this past sunday. Scratch that, no one wants to see Drew Brees without a lid on his melon. But whether you enjoy the gridiron or not, you cannot deny the fact this game was one worthy of greatness. Don’t believe me? This game (54 million) was the most viewed non-Superbowl television event since the Seinfeld finale in 1998 (75 million). I guess this goes to show how epic Seinfeld is. The Saints have turned a city once ravaged by Katrina and on the brink of self destruction, back into the proud and illustrious party we all know and love. I say Mardi Gras! (and no, you cannot get beads for seeing Big Show’s 54 D’s). It wasn’t all bad for Viking fans either. They will now all know the answer to a question in the 2011 edition of Trivial Pursuit: Who was the only quarterback in NFL history to end his career…twice…on an interception in the NFC title game? ⬇

✔ A passing grade for myself today for getting a high school student’s phone number at a bus stop and wearing a Jonathan Toews jersey to MRU. One act took a lot of balls and the other might turn into a date. Even though I’m scared she might be too old for me, a guy can hope can’t he?

✔ Wow. This can’t be right. Another check-mark for yours truly? Thats right ladies, the upcoming weeks of my life definitely deserve some recognition. My newly tagged Calgary nickname of “Holiday” has caught on nicely, and I intend to fit the mold. This weekend, two fellow sea creatures arrive in the big C for Oilers/Flames, good times, hearty laughter, and probably a few soda pops. To be honest, I’m scared for my safety as Sea Otter has been known to step outside the box. Stay tuned next week for an update, pictures and video from the weekend that was (or what I remember of it).

And last but not least, it seems fitting on the day Apple introduces the iPad, I announce something bigger. I have officially booked the best trip in human history. I’m going to leave the details vague to allow pictures do the explaining when I get back. I will provide a sneak peak exclusive to HSB. Key words: Gonzaga Bulldogs, Bandon Dunes, Golf, Alcohol, Shortys, Oregon Ducks, U.S. Open, Shortys, Olympics, Sunfire, Wolf Pack and Shortys. Look for Luke this time next month…as I hopefully survive my ordeal. One secret I will share…HSB has never been represented in photos better than what I have planned. Bonjourno.

This article has been brought to you by the letter W, for Wholy Fu*k: Luke’s word of the month for February. Because honestly, thats all I’ll be able to say come March.

Oh…and don’t think cuz I’m iced out I’ma cool off.

Arreviderci