As I said, I’m now all about konfidence. Some may even say its my middle name…I’ll leave that one to you. Shi**y occurrences dominate our society. I challenge you to open one media outlet and easily find an encouraging headline. As my colleague (and bfff) noted in The State Of Our Union, the world is a brutal place. So I’ve taken it upon myself to shove rays of sunshine up everyone’s ass today and share with you some past, present and future tales that should put a fat grin on your face.

✔ First of all, I would like to announce a solution to a newfound problem faced by members of the aquarium. It may take some commitment, but I am confident my friends will come through. I have found a place for thy aquarium to reside. When I say thy, I mean all 11 members. It needs a little reno work, but I’m sure if we all pitch in a team effort we can transform it into something worthy of sea beasts and crustaceans. Two words will lure other underwater inhabitants to our new home like the mating calls of dolphins, elk, and the Big Show: Jacuzzi Tub. Can anyone say soak?

The New Aquarium

✔ Second, hats off to the Saints – Vikings game this past sunday. Scratch that, no one wants to see Drew Brees without a lid on his melon. But whether you enjoy the gridiron or not, you cannot deny the fact this game was one worthy of greatness. Don’t believe me? This game (54 million) was the most viewed non-Superbowl television event since the Seinfeld finale in 1998 (75 million). I guess this goes to show how epic Seinfeld is. The Saints have turned a city once ravaged by Katrina and on the brink of self destruction, back into the proud and illustrious party we all know and love. I say Mardi Gras! (and no, you cannot get beads for seeing Big Show’s 54 D’s). It wasn’t all bad for Viking fans either. They will now all know the answer to a question in the 2011 edition of Trivial Pursuit: Who was the only quarterback in NFL history to end his career…twice…on an interception in the NFC title game? ⬇

✔ A passing grade for myself today for getting a high school student’s phone number at a bus stop and wearing a Jonathan Toews jersey to MRU. One act took a lot of balls and the other might turn into a date. Even though I’m scared she might be too old for me, a guy can hope can’t he?

✔ Wow. This can’t be right. Another check-mark for yours truly? Thats right ladies, the upcoming weeks of my life definitely deserve some recognition. My newly tagged Calgary nickname of “Holiday” has caught on nicely, and I intend to fit the mold. This weekend, two fellow sea creatures arrive in the big C for Oilers/Flames, good times, hearty laughter, and probably a few soda pops. To be honest, I’m scared for my safety as Sea Otter has been known to step outside the box. Stay tuned next week for an update, pictures and video from the weekend that was (or what I remember of it).

And last but not least, it seems fitting on the day Apple introduces the iPad, I announce something bigger. I have officially booked the best trip in human history. I’m going to leave the details vague to allow pictures do the explaining when I get back. I will provide a sneak peak exclusive to HSB. Key words: Gonzaga Bulldogs, Bandon Dunes, Golf, Alcohol, Shortys, Oregon Ducks, U.S. Open, Shortys, Olympics, Sunfire, Wolf Pack and Shortys. Look for Luke this time next month…as I hopefully survive my ordeal. One secret I will share…HSB has never been represented in photos better than what I have planned. Bonjourno.

This article has been brought to you by the letter W, for Wholy Fu*k: Luke’s word of the month for February. Because honestly, thats all I’ll be able to say come March.

Oh…and don’t think cuz I’m iced out I’ma cool off.

Arreviderci

Away we go.

#10 – Beaverlodge Porn

This isnt a new search term by any means, in fact it garnered the number one spot on the last trop ten. I put it at 10 because it’s been used before but the scary thing is while only one person googled “Beaverlodge Porn” last time it has nearly tripled in search results. That means not one, not two, but three people have went out of there way to track down some Beaverlodge porno. Wow.

#9 – Oil City Porn

When I was living in Edmonton I loved Oil City…I can only imagine how much more I would of loved it if there was actually porn involved. Let’s face it though we wouldnt be involved because we’d be preoccupied with 2 dollar shooters.

#8 – Racing Bums

Apparently the video that was done has garnered some popularity. Prepare for an arrest soon.

#7 – 2009-06-23t20 02 00 0000

I’m sure this is just another random computer slang to trick google into searching for Beaverlodge Porn or any porn for that matter. I mean seriously if you seen how many hits I get through porn requests and/or nude pictures for celebrities it makes me wonder if I should just convert this site into a porno site.

#6 – is there another name for canadian geese?

Uhhh, let me ask you which weighs more…a pound of feathers or a pound of gold.

#5 – who would win in a fight? jason bourne or jack bauer

Apparently I’m not the only loser out there who actually sat and thought about this. This was just one of five similar search terms so apparently about 10 people would watch a movie about this. Get er done!

#4 – naughty girls calgary

Aren’t all girls in Calgary naughty for cheering for the Flames?

#3 – it s a double dion pierre mcguire

Every time I hear this it’s funny, I don’t know why…it could be the huge man crush going on between the two or potentially whenever I think of Pierre Mcguire I cant help think of his “Long Active Stick” flop on TSN’s trade center with Dutchy.

#2 – tequila and squirt

The average joe would be thinking of taking a shot of tequila and then squirting a lemon but considering there are so many flipping weirdos out there (even more so on the internet) one has to wonder if someone gets turned on from someone doing a shot of tequila then shitting there pants.

#1 – cheap hookers edmonton

Good to see my constant rambling of hookers and blow in the city of Edmonton has finally drawn some traffic to my website. Cheap hookers can be found in Edmonton and there were a couple of them who liked to hang out on the corner by my old condo. One in particular on a warm sunny day felt the desire to strut around the neighborhood in a pair of nice slacks and a bra. Why I didn’t tape it I dont know, perhaps I thought it would ruin my chances. Another one got kicked out of the liqour store across the street only to faceplant into the curb because she was to drunk to walk in high heels.

What’s a cheap hooker worth in Edmonton? Im going to go out on a limb and say a bottle a Clear Creek Ice, a nine iron, and perhaps a new pair of dentures or a razor.

Till next time peddies

Toughman Shot: A tequila shot where one snorts the salt, drinks the tequila, and then squirts the lemon juice in one’s eye.

So apparently as I’ve been told there has been a lot of videos on this website lately embarrassing everyone but myself. First and foremost I run the camera most of the time so if anyone feels the need to catch me at my best (or worst) then feel free and I’ll hand it over assuming you’re not to loaded to run the camera or worst case scenario drop it and break the damn thing…although I’m sure a couple of you surely would like to.

Besides if that’s not embarrassing enough then you haven’t watched what was posted lately of me degrading some girl changing outside right next to main street. Needless to say though if you haven’t you’re all fortunate enough that I’ve been cycling through some of my videos from the last couple months of action and will prepare to degrade myself (not to the extent of Jmoe but hey no one can dance like him). More or less it’s me being drunk and being really obnoxious like only I can.

First up, the toughman shot from The Billiards Club in Edmonton. Hot on the heels of our latest creation for fun, the reverse Jager Bomb (picture 3 (or 4) shots of Jager in a cup with a shot glass of Red bull), is another all time favorite shot between at least some of us. Why? Well for starters it’s completely ridiculous and best yet when bartenders and people see you at the bar doing them they think you’re an idiot. Well I got news for most of you, I am an idiot so its perfect.

The game plan for it is simple.

1. Order a shot of Tequila with a lemon and some salt
2. Sniff the salt
3. Shoot the Tequila
4. Squirt the lemon in your eye

Fun times for all ensue after that, until you watch the video the next morning and realize a few things (at least I did in my video)

1. You’re an idiot
2. You totally screwed up the shot by squirting the lemon in your eye first
3. You’re an idiot
4. You stepped in broken glass for 5 minutes after doing the shot
5. You’re an idiot
6. and finally You’re an idiot.

While it’s a great mid party shot it certainly isnt as solid as a Reverse Jager Bomb as most people have a hard time comprehending snorting salt and squirting lemon in their eye…but hey when it comes to jacking 3 shots of Jager nobody thinks twice about it they just do it.

Sadly also the tough man shot nor the reverse Jager bomb will impress any women on the basis of them thinking you’re an idiot and then eventually being way to drunk to remember girls (or people for that matter) at the bar. If you’re looking for something easy may I suggest a bottle cap, gladiator, or whore that works the streets.

If you want to step it up a notch then I highly recommend some of my all time favorites.

1. Chartreuse – Most people have NO clue what this is and a lot of bars dont carry it but if they do make sure its the green colored because the yellow sucks and is for slackers.

2. Absinthe – often called “the Green Fairy” this will mess up the best of people

3. Hat Trick – Three shots of Jack

4. Prairie Fire – Still one of the worst shots going

5. Cement Mixer – If you haven’t experienced this at least once in your life you should. My only memory is actually having to chew.

6. 252 – Half 151, Half Wild Turkey. Good times.

7. Conquistador – Tequila and milk. Sounds tasty.

8. Left Hook: Half Jager/Half Goldslager

9. Sweaty Mexican LumberJack – Tabasco, tequila, and Yukon Jack

10. 3 Wisemen – Jack D, Cousin Johnny Walker, and Jimmy Beam.

If anyone wants to go out and try these this weekend be sure to video tape it and send them to me. If you can do all 10 without puking Ill give you the time of your life.

Walks

It’s been a long time coming, after having lived in the city of Calgary almost 8 years ago and not having been back probably in the last 2 to 3 years I was well over do this past weekend. I like living in Edmonton, I like my condo, I like the bums, but there is something about Calgary that makes it a step up on the city of Edmonton in the summertime. Maybe it’s the downtown area being 100 times better then Edmonton’s, or maybe I’m to busy trying to compare 17th to Whyte Avenue, or then again maybe it’s just the fact I’ve lived in this city for the better part of 6 or so years. Regardless had it not been for being declined at SAIT because the program was full chances are I could still be living there as it seems the only thing I hate about that city is it’s hockey team.

In a perfect world I’d live in Calgary with the Oilers winning Stanley Cups there but something about that just feels dirty, kind of like the bum peeing himself out back the other day.

It was a scary trip early on, I wasn’t exactly sure if King James would actually make it or he would lose a tire (or at worse a backend) which would send us flying into the ditch. It’s been a long time, a couple summers to be exact, since I got that wobbly motion sickness in a vehicle and had we had anything other then boozing on our mind we probably would of smartened up and not risked King James health. Thankfully Nacho Naughty was in Red Deer to pay 1.46 a litre at some roadside gas station with his pickup.

I guess the only negative about the weekend was the god damn rain. From shorts and a t-shirt in Edmonton to pants and a jacket in Calgary. Golf was on our minds but that quickly swayed when it rained for 72 hours straight. I guess hitting the links and getting an even earlier start on boozing probably wasn’t needed.

Friday night was an absolute riot. I warned Trav, Stone, and Reeme’s posse that we we’re going to party like it was 2001…I don’t know what it really meant but I think I was referring to the Blades of our lives. I can honestly say with somewhat of a straight face that I was one of the more sober people amongst the group. Was I sober? Absolutely not, but I wasn’t dancing on tables, nor was I passing out at the table, or at the very least puking the next morning. I say this quite often these days but I’m 100% confident everyone at the table was loser drunk and I’d even throw it out on a limb we were the drunkest yahoo’s on 17th that night.

Reasons as to why I think that? Well:

1. People trying to dance on tables.
2. An individual passing out at the table during live music five feet away from him.
3. Multiple individuals puking through the night and the morning after.
4. Listening to video of people not speaking English.
5. And probably the most important, about 90% of the group doesn’t remember anything.

Breakfast at Gilly Bobs (or Jerry Bobs I’m not 100% sure) was good, the chocolate milkshake was better. Leaving everyone else at the bar though probably puts a feather in my cap. Sorry about that…whaaaamy.

I want to say special thanks to my Calgary hosts and entertainers and of course to a certain individual for providing a good chuckle the next morning after taking a picture of you spread eagle on the floor having pee’d yourself just a touch. The only thing bad about the next day was the remix of Nacho Beef that went on for hours….and hours….and hours…and hours.

Still don’t believe me, then check out the photos from Friday night.

Calgary hasn’t seen the last of us this summer, next stop is the Calgary Stampede. Till then I’ll be in Grande Prairie this weekend to take in the Stompede…oh and maybe a few pops.

Walks

After having spent the last two weeks staring at a computer screen working on multiple websites and wanting to pull my hair out or smash the computer screen on numerous occasions it was nice for the weekend to finally arrive. Last night the crew hit up The Billiards Club on Whyte Ave and suffice to say I had a pretty good time, I think the whole town knew I had a good time. Rest assured it’s safe to say I think the whole posse had some fun even though most nights our crews ratio looks similar to what we are rolling in the above picture. Magically enough the ratio was strong, even if I was to drunk to remember.

But me having a good time was highlighted by me thinking about how many more douche bags there seem to be around when you’re loaded.

First we had James and I playing some Big Buck Trophy Hunter, or at least trying to. Him being a Buck Hunter virgin and me being to stupid to remember you have to pump the gun to reload the display we put on was marginal at best. No matter how good or bad we were at the game it will always be highlighted by the meatball who was trying to talk to us.

Meatball: “Typical Albertan’s cant hunt big game”
Us: “Its a video game buddy”
Meatball: “All Albertans can shoot is birds like ducks and geese, why dont you come to Ontario and hunt real animals”
Us: “Real animals?”
Meatball: “Like Big Game”
Us: “Oh you mean like the elk, moose, and other four legged species dubbed Big Game living throughout Alberta”.
Meatball: “…..”

I don’t know, maybe he was to drunk and actually believed people only hunt the winged animal in Alberta but I hope for his sake he isn’t stupid enough to believe that.

The other strange occasion was at the bar buying drinks when some 40 year old girls were talking to us. Not normally a big deal, I think most guys ca handle girls talking to them. The thing that really rattled us were some of the questions they were asking….

Broads: “What’s your favorite color”
Us: “……..”
Us: “Seriously?”
Broads: “Yeah whats your favorite color?”
Me: “Black” (not seriously but who asks that)
Broads: “Oook”

Then we chatted it up for another minute or so before they popped the big life question

Broads: “If you had 24 hours to live and $100 dollars what would you do?”
Us: “…………What?”
Broads: “If you had 24 hours to live and $100 dollars what would you do?”
Us: “Probably get drunk”
Broads: “That’s a terrible answer”
Us: “Well what’s 100 bucks going to get you? Exactly, nothing but a lot of reverse Jager bombs”

At that point we slowly walked away. In all my years of trying to be a bar star I have never once had someone ask such in depth questions. Maybe someone can help me out and make me feel a little less rattled and tell me someone out there has been asked something along the lines of this and if you did what your response was.

Needless to say aside from certain events like that the night was pretty good. You can check out the photos by clicking this. I have a wide selection of videos I’ll possibly be putting up, I may have to clear some of them with the people involved as it seems more and more these days certain people are getting a touch worried about what would happen if employers or potential employers found all the drunkeness involved.

Other then that expect to see my instructional video on how to do a tough man shot soon.

May long awaits next weekend and for anyone coming into town we plan on doing some golfing throughout the city so look me up, it should be a magical evening for all.

Walks

Yes folks those are my friends out back who motivate me to party like its 1999. Why? Well because I’m sure they actually believe its actually 1999 but please don’t tell them, they’re just living the dream like any other good bum would do!

I apologize to all because I was late on getting dramatic images with the neighbors tag teaming the lone female in the group or at the very least peeing in the lone spruce tree out back. I guess if one cant see ones penis it’s alright to take ones leak out back….maybe thats why most men feel its alright to drop the drawers and free willy when they have the urge to break the seal.

Then again I grew up in Beaverlodge and you cant get away from the small town as I’ve seen certain broads squat outside of a god damn limo on 118th ave, I dont know what to say…

Oh yeah It’s FRIDAY!!

Dont laugh these BUMS are romantic, they dont even use protection…if that’s not romantic I dont know what is!

Walks

It’s one thing to lie to impress broads, I couldn’t count on both hands how many stories I’ve heard of people I know pretending to be something of a little more substance, hell this past weekend I was apparently hanging out with the leading money winner on the Nationwide Tour and the owner of Tropicana (which I later found out was supposed to be Encana). I won’t even get into this past Canada Day in Fort McMurray when I was Matt Walker for the night only to be called out by the largest girl in the bar about the lack of shape I was in. Ouch, but funny none the less.

But at least when something like this occurs its either a running joke because its completely ridiculous or the one running it has at least the faintest knowledge about who he’s pretending to be. Saturday night some skinny meatball approached a couple of us claiming he stopped a couple of his friends from beating some of us up and then proceded to ask if we we’re hockey players. “Yup” we all said and he replied with a “cool, me too.”

In typical hockey talk fashion we ask, “Yeah, where do you play?”

Buddy responds, “I’m playing double Junior A in Red Deer”.

Ok, we’re all drunk I can understand screwing up the first time so we had to ask him again and he again responds “double Junior A”.

“There’s no such thing as Double Junior A buddy” we say, to which he responds “Oh I meant Junior A in Red Deer”.

Now anyone who plays or has played in the AJHL or even follows it remotely would know there isn’t a god damn team that exists in Red Deer. Stretching the truth happens, trying to impress girls happens, but clean up your act a little, you dont need to lie to a bunch of drunk guys claiming to be a hockey player. At the very least do some research or know something about what you’re pretending to be or at least be like me and not be able to speak English by the end of the night.

At least I wasn’t drunk enough to see the cops harass the Oilers Glencross about jaywalking, honestly isnt there people being stabbed on Whyte Ave, that seems a touch more important then having 4 cop cars arresting people for jaywalking.

Walks

My fights, I mean Matt’s latest fiasco’s against the Blue Jackets have been uploaded. Also I uploaded the magic we witnessed across the street a couple weeks back, being homeless, getting drunk at 10am, and smashing your head on the pavement makes for some great entertainment.

Most of you have been there (and those of you too young to drink will soon find out for yourselves): you’ve had too much to drink and suddenly, drunk-logic takes hold of your mind. This is when you see start to see things in a different light and things that normally wouldn’t make sense when you’re sober suddenly seem like a totally good idea. It is in celebration of this inebriated state of mind that we present to you the top 7 things that only make sense after you’ve flooded your system with bacteria piss, aka alcohol.

With New Years around the corner, you’re likely to imbibe a few spirits to celebrate. Please make sure to keep away from these stupid moves you’re likely to make while drunk.

7- Drinking crappy beer

Unless you’re a drunk or a college frat boy, chances are you won’t go near crappy beer. We’re talking about the stuff that costs like a dollar fifty for a six-pack. You turn your nose up at it and say things like, “Dude, that crap tastes like a diabetic’s piss.” And rightly so because crappy beer sucks. But when you’re drunk, it doesn’t matter what it says on the label: so long as it’ll maintain your buzz, you’ll suck it down like it was Coca-Cola. Hell, they could juice a skunk’s ass and put it in a bottle and you’d probably take a swig if you were drunk enough, wouldn’t you? Speaking of which, isn’t it about time you called your AA sponsor?

6- Going home with a stranger

Remember that Seinfeld episode where Elaine makes a blind date with the wake-up call guy based solely on his voice, and Jerry makes a fuss because he claims that 95% of the population is undateable? And when Elaine asks how people are getting together, he says “Alcohol”? We all laughed and you know why? Because it’s true. Try going to a bar and asking someone to go home and have sex with you when you’re sober: chances are, you can’t work up the courage. Now try doing it when the other person is sober: chances are, you’ll end up having to register as a sex offender.

But do it when you’re drunk and you’ll probably swagger over to your target like you were Hugh Hefner and James Bond rolled up into one. And if the other person is drunk, chances are they’ll find you a hell of a lot more attractive than they would have sober; hell, if they blink hard enough, you could almost pass for someone who sort of looks like Brad Pitt. But guess what? You don’t look like Brad Pitt. Not even a little bit.

5- Eating Whatever Is Put In Front Of You

When you’re hungry, you eat; that’s the most primary reaction we have as animals. But when you’re drunk and hungry, you don’t just eat, you fucking eeeeat! The strange thing is, the more inebriated you are, the lower you standards. The best example of this: Denny’s. You ever been to a Denny’s during the day? It’s downright depressing, isn’t it? You’re sitting there going, “What the hell am I doing eating at a Denny’s? How did I let my life go so far down the toilet?” But fast forward time to 2:15 a.m. on a Saturday night (that’s right after last-call, as if you didn’t know- and you’re hopping into line like Wolfgang Puck was in the kitchen dishing out Moons Over My Hammy’s.

This applies to every nasty ass fast food place, grease ball slop joint and street meat cart around; when you’re drunk, you just can’t help stuffing your face full of the first greasy thing you can get your hands on? Speaking of which, if you’re willing to drive me, I’ll totally pay for your order of 7-11 nachos.

4- Whatever The Hell It Is That Drunk Guy Is Saying

Have you ever been stuck in a social situation where you had to listen to some idiot ramble on with some crazy theory about a topic that you don’t care about? When you’re sober, you usually try to humor the person for as long as you can stand and then find a reasonable excuse to walk away. But what happens when you add alcohol into the mix? Suddenly, you’re transfixed by what this crazy person is saying to you and for whatever reason, it’s making a hell of lot of sense. You’re nodding along, going “Dude, that is so true!” It’s downright life-altering, isn’t it?

But try and remember the conversation the next day and you’ll find that you either can’t or if you do, it makes absolutely no sense. Which is really too bad because you probably ran into the drunk equivalent of Confuscius at a party one night and learned something really profound but then you had to screw it up by being sober the next day. But don’t be mad: enlightenment is overrated anyway.

3- Whatever The Hell It Is That You’re Saying

This is just like the previous example except this time, you’re the idiot with the crazy theory.

2- Getting One Last Drink

We’re all reasonable people, right? I mean, we all know our limits or at the least, we’re vaguely aware of them. But those limits go right out the window when you’re drunk. Nevermind that you’re on your ninth pint and that you’ve already expelled the Chinese food you had earlier into the gutter outside the bar; when that bartender yells “Last call!” you’re already starting to chug whatever’s left in your glass so you can get in one last order.

This is also why you agree to get one last drink when every single ounce of your being is telling you to go home and crawl into bed. You’re trying to stagger outside to get a cab and your buddy says, “Come on, get one last drink.” If your sober self could answer, you’d say, “Dude, no, I have work in the morning.” But your drunk thought progress says, “What a well reasoned argument my chum is offering me. I’d be foolish to say no.” And bam, you get yourself one last drink, when you know you shouldn’t. Straw that broke the camel’s back? More like the drink that made you call in sick to work.

1- Drunk Dialing Your Ex

There’s a reason why you stopped talking to your ex but when you’re drunk, it’s hard to remember what the hell it was. Your sober self could tell you-your ex is completely psychotic and your friends would kill you-but the heart wants what the heart wants, especially if that heart has been pickling in an alcohol solution for half the night.

So go ahead and arrange that after hours rendezvous with your ex or give that former special person the perfect telling off-your sober self can deal with the aftermath the next morning. The poor jerk.

www.hotstickybun.com