Being a smart, good looking philosophical man, I have discovered turning to music in a time of need has become a necessity for me to overcome life’s numerous obstacles. And this is no exception. Honestly, I don’t usually spill my guts right off the bat, but I have had some trouble with what to write on HSB the past 6 weeks or so. This is probably quite obvious with the long periods between posts and somewhat mediocre material. Thankfully, just like the broadjourno I bonjournoed in the brown this weekend in Edmonton, good things come out of the Clear Blue Sky (that is the one and only time Lucas will ever refer to country music). Just like in the City of Champions, something that was once narrow and seemingly impossible is easily fixed with some coercion and olive oil. I’m back baby! And better than ever. Speaking of being sweet, pounding shortys, and making comebacks, I believe my black twin announced his comeback today. Obviously, we were both met with the same media attention, the only distinct difference is he f*#$ed up by getting married. Now while he’s making millions and smashing records, I’ll still be smashing other things.

The Foo Fighters are f@!%ing awesome. With that said, the above lyrics really made me think. Over the past few years we have all searched for something we once saw as unobtainable. I don’t know about you guys, but I have done some pretty cool shit in my short career of life that I never thought possible. Largely thanks to how unreal I am on the links, a lot of doors and legs have opened. But, although the successes have been many, there is still a lot of things I yearn for, as do you I’m sure. The kick ass part of my life besides everything, is my 4 followers and I have an outlet for our dreams: HSB!

All my life…I have wanted to cruise around Edmonton with the CEO of Callaway Canada in a limo drinking brews and jammin out to Foo Fighters at full tilt with the windows down. Check.

All my life…I have dreamed of being famous and nailing hotter shortys than I already do. Not much different from HSB’s new favorite Red Wing, Darren Helm. Interestingly enough, Darren and I are connected much deeper than he knows, or cares for that matter. I mean he does have a Cup ring, 7 figure salary and smokeshow girlfriend…scratch that…ex-girlfriend. That’s where Luke comes in. At the beginning of my HSB career, I mentioned how hot the shortys were at Mount Royal. This only proves my point. Pictured above alongside her Red Wing is Devon Englot, a native of The Hat and current student at MRU. How do I know this you ask? Well first, I’m a rapist, what do you expect? But second, she is the little piece of heaven I get to sit beside every Tues/Thurs from 2-3:20 in ECON 2244. God bless that school. I mean she was drawn to me and asked for the adjacent seat, but that is irrelevant. Needless to say, that takes care of the nailin hotter girls part. I mean come on, I make 4 figures and rock sweet flow. As for the famous part, that was taken care of today…and I’m bringin all of you f!@*s with me.

Lucky for us, Devon is a sweet chick. I asked her if she would like to be the HSB babe of the week. The answer…”f*!^ ya!” So after a name drop or two and giving her the executive tour of the Bun, I convinced her to text her ex and tell him to check out the site. Here at HSB we like to sprain news, not break it…none the less you are officially the first to hear that our dreams have been answered. Darren replied. “HAHA thats funny. Bunch of f*!@ing idiots.” I have never been so proud. There you have it. HSB is spreading viciously around the Detroit Red Wings as we speak. Hopefully my CEO Walks will keep me in mind when he’s ballin Armani suits and rollin Lambos.

Til Later Bitches

Spring Break. When it comes to mind, what do you automatically think of?

BOOM! Shortys. Unfortunately for most of us, we are stuck in this wretched shit hole climate we call winter. By no means am I complaining about the weather, because quite frankly this is the warmest cold spell I’ve ever been a part of. But seriously, Spring Break north of the 49th is all about catching up on forgotten assignments, seeing daylight in the dog days of winter, and the grande finale: suicide prevention for university students. Wtf?! In the dirty south its all about tits, brews and venereal disease. To say the least, this great nation of ours gets shafted in Spring Break worse than the Blades in John. Too soon? Naw, its not like i pulled a Milbury and called the biggest hoax to take the ice in Vancouver a pile of “Eurotrash.” Anyway…tired of being stifled by the snow and needing an escape, two friends and I embarked on a mission to Oregon to find the American Dream…and find it we did.

I’m not going to sit here and bore you with the details. We golfed. We drove. We drank. Shortys flocked and bodies dropped. The usual. Where it really got interesting was with the fulfillment of one small Canadian’s dream to visit an authentic American pancake house; IHOP. Being seated, we found exactly what we were looking for. To our left, an elderly couple, the gentlemen in a wheelchair with oxygen tanks, breathing tubes and medical bills that would make us shit. An official HSB shout out to Lucky Strike for providing us this opportunity. To our rear, a woman wearing a king bed sheet as a skirt teaching her 6 year old daughter how to pour syrup in a slight notch in the center of the pancake to maximize absorption. Another official HSB shout out to Colonel Sanders for making dreams come true. The icing on the cake you say? To our right, a buzzed cut American soldier in his full army costume with his wife and twin daughters. Yes, you read right…costume. Smiles were absent at this table, and unfortunately, the two daughters were born with an extra 21st chromosome (insert Family Guy clip here). So there it was: The American Dream. Millions around our planet dream of one day obtaining this Dream, clutching to it like Paul Wight a drumstick. Tell you what, Ill take my Kokanee and socialist health care over that f&*#ing skank shit hole anyday.

It takes experience like that to make a person realize how f@!$ing awesome we actually are. Canada is the tits, and we all need to appreciate where we live a little more than we do.

Joannie Rochette – Seriously sweetheart, you showed more balls tonight than I ever thought possible. You showed the heart and soul of a nation through the toughest time of your life. This is what it means to be Canadian.

Jon Montgomery – Classic. You said f*@# the world, let me celebrate the greatest accomplishment of my life by crushing a jug of Rickards Red in the public eye on the streets of Vancouver. This is what it means to be Canadian.

Canadian Hockey – Once again you rise from the ashes and come through when it matters most. When losing isn’t an option, you come out with a gold medal and a drubbing of the “best” team in Van city. This is what it means to be Canadian.

Finally…John Toews – A hideous, balding 22 year old buck tooth Manitoban is a common occurrence. Being the best player at the Olympics isn’t. Hats off to you my friend. You are officially the most underrated player of all time…at 22. Being humble while kicking ass, now this is what it means to be Canadian.

This article has been brought to you by the letter C, for Classic. Luke’s word of the month for March. A gold medal around Yzerman’s neck fingering all the fans who know more about hockey than he does, classic!

Til next time bitches.

As I said, I’m now all about konfidence. Some may even say its my middle name…I’ll leave that one to you. Shi**y occurrences dominate our society. I challenge you to open one media outlet and easily find an encouraging headline. As my colleague (and bfff) noted in The State Of Our Union, the world is a brutal place. So I’ve taken it upon myself to shove rays of sunshine up everyone’s ass today and share with you some past, present and future tales that should put a fat grin on your face.

✔ First of all, I would like to announce a solution to a newfound problem faced by members of the aquarium. It may take some commitment, but I am confident my friends will come through. I have found a place for thy aquarium to reside. When I say thy, I mean all 11 members. It needs a little reno work, but I’m sure if we all pitch in a team effort we can transform it into something worthy of sea beasts and crustaceans. Two words will lure other underwater inhabitants to our new home like the mating calls of dolphins, elk, and the Big Show: Jacuzzi Tub. Can anyone say soak?

The New Aquarium

✔ Second, hats off to the Saints – Vikings game this past sunday. Scratch that, no one wants to see Drew Brees without a lid on his melon. But whether you enjoy the gridiron or not, you cannot deny the fact this game was one worthy of greatness. Don’t believe me? This game (54 million) was the most viewed non-Superbowl television event since the Seinfeld finale in 1998 (75 million). I guess this goes to show how epic Seinfeld is. The Saints have turned a city once ravaged by Katrina and on the brink of self destruction, back into the proud and illustrious party we all know and love. I say Mardi Gras! (and no, you cannot get beads for seeing Big Show’s 54 D’s). It wasn’t all bad for Viking fans either. They will now all know the answer to a question in the 2011 edition of Trivial Pursuit: Who was the only quarterback in NFL history to end his career…twice…on an interception in the NFC title game? ⬇

✔ A passing grade for myself today for getting a high school student’s phone number at a bus stop and wearing a Jonathan Toews jersey to MRU. One act took a lot of balls and the other might turn into a date. Even though I’m scared she might be too old for me, a guy can hope can’t he?

✔ Wow. This can’t be right. Another check-mark for yours truly? Thats right ladies, the upcoming weeks of my life definitely deserve some recognition. My newly tagged Calgary nickname of “Holiday” has caught on nicely, and I intend to fit the mold. This weekend, two fellow sea creatures arrive in the big C for Oilers/Flames, good times, hearty laughter, and probably a few soda pops. To be honest, I’m scared for my safety as Sea Otter has been known to step outside the box. Stay tuned next week for an update, pictures and video from the weekend that was (or what I remember of it).

And last but not least, it seems fitting on the day Apple introduces the iPad, I announce something bigger. I have officially booked the best trip in human history. I’m going to leave the details vague to allow pictures do the explaining when I get back. I will provide a sneak peak exclusive to HSB. Key words: Gonzaga Bulldogs, Bandon Dunes, Golf, Alcohol, Shortys, Oregon Ducks, U.S. Open, Shortys, Olympics, Sunfire, Wolf Pack and Shortys. Look for Luke this time next month…as I hopefully survive my ordeal. One secret I will share…HSB has never been represented in photos better than what I have planned. Bonjourno.

This article has been brought to you by the letter W, for Wholy Fu*k: Luke’s word of the month for February. Because honestly, thats all I’ll be able to say come March.

Oh…and don’t think cuz I’m iced out I’ma cool off.

Arreviderci

Humiliation: verb. [trans.] to make (someone) feel ashamed and foolish by injuring their dignity and self-respect; especially publicly. Well, that one’s obvious.

For all you patch workers out there, the examples above are called definitions. Thats right. Sound it out. Def-in-it-shin. Now that we have the basis covered, your homework for the day is bumping down the good ole Albertan ego a few notches because, well shortys and gentlemen, this province got beat 15-1 last night. And it’s only the beginning. Now keep this in mind…I’ve always been a proud Leafs fan, even though it is extremely hard sometimes. Therefore, it is impossible for me to be condescending on the topic of struggling NHL teams. Oh wait, I forgot I don’t give a shit what any of you rednecks think. Slipped my mind there for a second. By the way, I’m thinking of writing my own comedic piece for worldwide publishing, let me know what you think. It will  be titled “Jokes” and consist of the 6 following chapters and the story of Big Show’s life as the forward:

#1 – Jokes For Kids…The Theo Fluery Story

#2 – Jokes For Teenagers…Patrice Cormier: Gold to Gang Raped

#3 – Jokes For The Uneducated…The Edmonton Oilers

#4 – Jokes For Adults…Marriage

#5 – Jokes For Teachers…Brent Sutter’s Guide To The English Language

#6 – Jokes For Magicians…The Calgary Flames: How To Disappear

In all seriousness, I’m surprised loyal fans of the Wild Rose teams were able to show their faces in public this fine morning. The entire league has known for a long time Edmonton no longer deserves the title “City of Champions,” and that each Flamer needs to be branded “Overrated Underachiever” in the middle of their inflated forehead. It’s about time Mike Tyson has someone to laugh at. I’m god damn sick and tired of both cities continuing to live the dream from their glorious Cup runs. In the famous words of JR, “WAKE UP!” Did you not realize both years neither team possessed any hockey talent? In both instances, grit, determination, great goaltending and sheer fan support lifted your beloved Oilers and Flames within an inch of Hockey’s Holy Grail. I gained more respect for both franchises over the spring of  ’04 and ‘06 than a lifetime of watching them could bestow upon me, although you will never hear it from my mouth. All to have it flushed down the drain with overpaid underachievers and lack of heart.

Fitting that last night’s only goal was scored by Robyn Regehr, his first in 150 some odd games. Forget about the $100 million tied up in so called talent across both rosters, they only show up when they see fit. It wasn’t too long ago you could see Iginla singlehandedly carry the Flames to victory, or Horcoff and Hemsky dazzle an electric  crowd with utter hard work and the will to win. So what happened? Old age? Big contracts? Pressure? The answer is none of the above. Because the simple fact remains that neither team knows who the f#$% they are. It’s sad when two teams of such storied tradition and branded styles of play are suffering from an identity crisis. When did hardass crash and bang puck take the face of Jokinen and Cogliano? The only time these two regain their true form is when they play each other. Some of the best games of the season have involved these two. How can I, a Leafs fan, sit here and say this you ask? Well for starters the Leafs are not 1-15 in their last 16 and a near lock for Taylor Hall. The Leafs were not supposed to be Cup contenders at the half way point of the season. When the Leafs lose, they still have 40 shots. Funny thing is these aren’t even my quotes; straight from the mouths of a member of the Aquarium and a die hard Flamer.

Maybe its time for Western Canadian teams to stop bitching toward each other, using laser pointers, and making viewing a game in the opposing building virtually impossible and embarrassing. Instead do the NHL a favor: bend over and spread the sphincter because its exactly where Chicago, Washington, San Jose and Pittsburgh are gonna shove a 35 pound 35.3 inch slab of silver in the coming years. I hope neither team comes close to seeing post season action this season. Maybe it will be a wake up call to all people in this province to how big of hoax their franchises actually are and make them question why they are willing top pay top dollar to watch a shitty team in an even worse arena. The Leafs are bad, but at least at the ACC you can get a steak, beer and twizzlers for $83.50 from someone other than a toothless whore who smells like HIV.

Any opinions or somethin you just wanna get off your chest and address it about my lyrics I’d love to hear it, all you gotta do is pick up the phone and just dial up this number: it’s 1-800-I’m a dick sucker I love to suck a dick. And if someone picks up you can talk all the shit you want about me, just type in your number back and follow it by the pound key and I’ll be sure to get back to you.

Toodooloo mother f$#@ers.