G’day bitches and gentlemen. As you may know, it has been quite some time since Luke dusted off the keyboard and threw some cream on the bun…that ends tonight. April brings forth the best and worst life has to offer: The Masters, March Madness, NBA/NHL playoffs,golf season, and sadly, final exams. After taking the month off to bask in the glory of the happenings around me (and studying), I am proud to say the GPA is still higher than all you, Phil won the green jacket, I won my NCAA pool and the “best team in the NHL” led by “the leagues best player” choked on a 9 inch French penis. Classic. Its sad how years now begin and end with the eight month shit storm that is University. Screw 2010…I just finished 4th year. (Insert joke here)…and no homos, I am not graduating. I decided to go on the 5 year plan, which maximizes beer drank, shortys creeped and hopefully best friends lived with. Fourth year was full of ups, and since I’m really sweet, zero downs. Unfortunately one cannot live a life of total positivity, so I present to you people who have truly dropped the ball in life over the past 8 months.

Before we jump on the sybian and start screaming, Luke’s summer shout out goes to two specific incidences. 1)Phil Mickelson – for crushing a dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts after driving through the establishment with a shit eating grin and freshly pressed green jacket. 2)Donegal Irish Pub on 37th st and 17th ave in the Flaming C – $1.50 beer. Wow.

10 – Tiger Woods – Wow. Every golf fan who knows anything loves you and wants to be you no matter how many whores you ruined…many of us feel this way in spite of that fact. Your week at Augusta started perfect as you seemed a changed man on and off the golf course. Then it came to a screeching halt. You are still the same old Tiger: cold, a huge tit, and fucking unreal. Fourth place after 6 months off is unbelieveable…don’t be a little bitch like Jack Nicklaus and have the attitude you are bigger than the game. PS…Jack, who said he would never be a ceremonial golfer, hit the ceremonial first tee shot at Augusta this year. Take the real TW’s advice and grow up so we can all love you more than we did before.

9 – Calgary Flames – You possess a world class forward, goaltender and defencemen, yet can’t crack the playoffs after holding the division lead for a good chunk of the season. The best part is, on paper, the 2004 Flames were the worst team to hit the Dome since the Leafs in early January. Give up the past and stop putting faith in overpaid under-talented farm boys or European joke shows to skate beside a league great. Iggy should and will leave for greener pastures. The Sutter’s are stale and fans are pissed off you gave up young talent for 3/4 of a Maple Leafs team who can’t tie their own shoes.

8 – Pierre McGuire – Its bad enough I contemplated not watching TSN hockey because of you, but tonight was the icing on the cake. At the beginning of game 7 you said “the great one has be a star tonight.” Now, I understand on paper many writers have coined the term Gr8 One for Alex Ovechkin. Pierre, you fucking pear shaped piece of shit, should know better than anyone you do not touch coined nicknames on air. The Gr8 One – Alex Ovechkin. Mr. Hockey – Wayne Primeau. The Rocket – Todd Marchant. Hockeytown USA - Phoenix Arizona. Lefty – Mike Weir. Super Mario – Mario Lopez. Enough said.

7 – RCGA – For those who don’t know, the Royal Canadian Golf Association changed its name to Golf Canada. This really isn’t a big issue, but considering RCGA has been around since 1880, they dropped the ball. Something with such tradition and image should not be messed with. I hope the Canadian Open is renamed Micky Mouse’s fucking fun house and they allow Tour players to wear shorts and ride carts.

6 – Alex Semin – For the first time in hockey history a high scoring European shut down life in the playoffs. Who knew?

5 – David Booth – Coach says to a 5 year old David, “There are two way to ensure success in hockey…1) bend your knees 2) keep your head up or you will get fucking killed.” At least his nickname was never Madagascar.

He’ll Never Watch A Drop Pass Again

Goodnight Jim Kite

4 – Professional Hockey Writers Association - Good job voting Mike Green as a Norris candidate. Even though he is one of the best offensive players in the league, he lacks the position of which the award is based after. Honestly, this might be the biggest slip up on the list, but Big Show needs to be fed his lunch once and for all. Mike Green – good enough overall to make Team Canada in Vancouver. Mike Green – not responsible for both Montreal goals tonight. Offensive zone penalties by a defenceman and soft bitch play with 3 minutes left in your season are worthy of a lot, but nothing in the same sentence as Lidstrom, who actually stepped up when needed, not become exposed for lack of defensive ability.

3 – Washington Capitals – I guess the 100 some odd year adage of “defense wins championships” is bullshit. Oh wait…you sent your fans home tonight in tears with selfish uninspired play. You were outworked and outclassed by the Habs. Without question this has to be one of the biggest chokes in the history of this playoff format. Up 3-1 with a fragile Canadians team with home ice advantage…and lose 3 straight. I guess Boudreau didn’t count on running into a Pat Roy type performance by Halak. Just goes to show this was a one dimensional team with one dimensional players who don’t deserve their lips on Stanley. It is quite funny the Presidents Trophy winner’s 5/6 seasons have been out the first round. There is obviously a lot of promise in Washington, but you have to learn to win when it counts. Hopefully this is the slap in the face you needed to actually create a good hockey team, not one who takes advantage of a weak division to climb the standings.

2 – Alexander Ovechkin – Widely considered the best player in the league. Tough to be “the best” when Datzyk has that wrapped up 3 times over with Johnny Toews not far behind. But Alex is a top 5 player in the NHL no question. Calder, Hart, Pearson, Art Ross and Rocket Richard are all on your shelf Alex, but Sid has a Cup, Gold Medal and a hell of lot more heart than you. It takes a boy to get half naked with a shorty and makeout a little (or in your case cuddle half naked with a guy), but it takes a man to whip out a 10 inch cock and bend that slut over Lord Stanley’s mug. You are not a one man show, you once again went mia when it counted, and for the 3rd straight year on home ice in game 7…YOU dropped the ball.

1 – Alexander Ovechkin – Ask Stephen Ames how good things turn out when you call out a sleeping giant. You get double penetrated and fuckin cock slapped at the same time. In the spirit on gamesmanship, you called out Halak after game 2, saying his hand was shaking as he drank…that he was scared. Good job…the #1 spot in the drop ten goes to you for being a cocky bitch Russian. Tell me if his hand was still shaking as you shook it goodbye on your way out the Verizon Center in tears. Maybe this summer you can make some spare cash polishing Sid’s second Cup ring.