Good afternoon, and thank you for joining me. Many of you on this site are my friends. Many of you in this chat room know me. Many of you have cheered for me or you’ve worked with me or you’ve supported me. Now every one of you has good reason to be critical of me. I want to say to each of you, simply and directly, I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in.I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish. People want to know how I could have done these things to my shortys, and to my child, Big Show. And while I have always tried to be a private person, there is one thing I want to say: Sorry. Many things in Luke’s life have been an overwhelming success, but allowing myself to go a full 30 days between HSB posts is not one of them. No excuses. Walks…I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again. Thank you.

Spring Break. When it comes to mind, what do you automatically think of?

BOOM! Shortys. Unfortunately for most of us, we are stuck in this wretched shit hole climate we call winter. By no means am I complaining about the weather, because quite frankly this is the warmest cold spell I’ve ever been a part of. But seriously, Spring Break north of the 49th is all about catching up on forgotten assignments, seeing daylight in the dog days of winter, and the grande finale: suicide prevention for university students. Wtf?! In the dirty south its all about tits, brews and venereal disease. To say the least, this great nation of ours gets shafted in Spring Break worse than the Blades in John. Too soon? Naw, its not like i pulled a Milbury and called the biggest hoax to take the ice in Vancouver a pile of “Eurotrash.” Anyway…tired of being stifled by the snow and needing an escape, two friends and I embarked on a mission to Oregon to find the American Dream…and find it we did.

I’m not going to sit here and bore you with the details. We golfed. We drove. We drank. Shortys flocked and bodies dropped. The usual. Where it really got interesting was with the fulfillment of one small Canadian’s dream to visit an authentic American pancake house; IHOP. Being seated, we found exactly what we were looking for. To our left, an elderly couple, the gentlemen in a wheelchair with oxygen tanks, breathing tubes and medical bills that would make us shit. An official HSB shout out to Lucky Strike for providing us this opportunity. To our rear, a woman wearing a king bed sheet as a skirt teaching her 6 year old daughter how to pour syrup in a slight notch in the center of the pancake to maximize absorption. Another official HSB shout out to Colonel Sanders for making dreams come true. The icing on the cake you say? To our right, a buzzed cut American soldier in his full army costume with his wife and twin daughters. Yes, you read right…costume. Smiles were absent at this table, and unfortunately, the two daughters were born with an extra 21st chromosome (insert Family Guy clip here). So there it was: The American Dream. Millions around our planet dream of one day obtaining this Dream, clutching to it like Paul Wight a drumstick. Tell you what, Ill take my Kokanee and socialist health care over that f&*#ing skank shit hole anyday.

It takes experience like that to make a person realize how f@!$ing awesome we actually are. Canada is the tits, and we all need to appreciate where we live a little more than we do.

Joannie Rochette – Seriously sweetheart, you showed more balls tonight than I ever thought possible. You showed the heart and soul of a nation through the toughest time of your life. This is what it means to be Canadian.

Jon Montgomery – Classic. You said f*@# the world, let me celebrate the greatest accomplishment of my life by crushing a jug of Rickards Red in the public eye on the streets of Vancouver. This is what it means to be Canadian.

Canadian Hockey – Once again you rise from the ashes and come through when it matters most. When losing isn’t an option, you come out with a gold medal and a drubbing of the “best” team in Van city. This is what it means to be Canadian.

Finally…John Toews – A hideous, balding 22 year old buck tooth Manitoban is a common occurrence. Being the best player at the Olympics isn’t. Hats off to you my friend. You are officially the most underrated player of all time…at 22. Being humble while kicking ass, now this is what it means to be Canadian.

This article has been brought to you by the letter C, for Classic. Luke’s word of the month for March. A gold medal around Yzerman’s neck fingering all the fans who know more about hockey than he does, classic!

Til next time bitches.