Hoax: noun. [trans.] something intended to deceive or defraud. See below…because thats who was actually in fucking uniform last evening.

Humiliation: verb. [trans.] to make (someone) feel ashamed and foolish by injuring their dignity and self-respect; especially publicly. Well, that one’s obvious.

For all you patch workers out there, the examples above are called definitions. Thats right. Sound it out. Def-in-it-shin. Now that we have the basis covered, your homework for the day is bumping down the good ole Albertan ego a few notches because, well shortys and gentlemen, this province got beat 15-1 last night. And it’s only the beginning. Now keep this in mind…I’ve always been a proud Leafs fan, even though it is extremely hard sometimes. Therefore, it is impossible for me to be condescending on the topic of struggling NHL teams. Oh wait, I forgot I don’t give a shit what any of you rednecks think. Slipped my mind there for a second. By the way, I’m thinking of writing my own comedic piece for worldwide publishing, let me know what you think. It will  be titled “Jokes” and consist of the 6 following chapters and the story of Big Show’s life as the forward:

#1 – Jokes For Kids…The Theo Fluery Story

#2 – Jokes For Teenagers…Patrice Cormier: Gold to Gang Raped

#3 – Jokes For The Uneducated…The Edmonton Oilers

#4 – Jokes For Adults…Marriage

#5 – Jokes For Teachers…Brent Sutter’s Guide To The English Language

#6 – Jokes For Magicians…The Calgary Flames: How To Disappear

In all seriousness, I’m surprised loyal fans of the Wild Rose teams were able to show their faces in public this fine morning. The entire league has known for a long time Edmonton no longer deserves the title “City of Champions,” and that each Flamer needs to be branded “Overrated Underachiever” in the middle of their inflated forehead. It’s about time Mike Tyson has someone to laugh at. I’m god damn sick and tired of both cities continuing to live the dream from their glorious Cup runs. In the famous words of JR, “WAKE UP!” Did you not realize both years neither team possessed any hockey talent? In both instances, grit, determination, great goaltending and sheer fan support lifted your beloved Oilers and Flames within an inch of Hockey’s Holy Grail. I gained more respect for both franchises over the spring of  ’04 and ’06 than a lifetime of watching them could bestow upon me, although you will never hear it from my mouth. All to have it flushed down the drain with overpaid underachievers and lack of heart.

Fitting that last night’s only goal was scored by Robyn Regehr, his first in 150 some odd games. Forget about the $100 million tied up in so called talent across both rosters, they only show up when they see fit. It wasn’t too long ago you could see Iginla singlehandedly carry the Flames to victory, or Horcoff and Hemsky dazzle an electric  crowd with utter hard work and the will to win. So what happened? Old age? Big contracts? Pressure? The answer is none of the above. Because the simple fact remains that neither team knows who the f#$% they are. It’s sad when two teams of such storied tradition and branded styles of play are suffering from an identity crisis. When did hardass crash and bang puck take the face of Jokinen and Cogliano? The only time these two regain their true form is when they play each other. Some of the best games of the season have involved these two. How can I, a Leafs fan, sit here and say this you ask? Well for starters the Leafs are not 1-15 in their last 16 and a near lock for Taylor Hall. The Leafs were not supposed to be Cup contenders at the half way point of the season. When the Leafs lose, they still have 40 shots. Funny thing is these aren’t even my quotes; straight from the mouths of a member of the Aquarium and a die hard Flamer.

Maybe its time for Western Canadian teams to stop bitching toward each other, using laser pointers, and making viewing a game in the opposing building virtually impossible and embarrassing. Instead do the NHL a favor: bend over and spread the sphincter because its exactly where Chicago, Washington, San Jose and Pittsburgh are gonna shove a 35 pound 35.3 inch slab of silver in the coming years. I hope neither team comes close to seeing post season action this season. Maybe it will be a wake up call to all people in this province to how big of hoax their franchises actually are and make them question why they are willing top pay top dollar to watch a shitty team in an even worse arena. The Leafs are bad, but at least at the ACC you can get a steak, beer and twizzlers for $83.50 from someone other than a toothless whore who smells like HIV.

Any opinions or somethin you just wanna get off your chest and address it about my lyrics I’d love to hear it, all you gotta do is pick up the phone and just dial up this number: it’s 1-800-I’m a dick sucker I love to suck a dick. And if someone picks up you can talk all the shit you want about me, just type in your number back and follow it by the pound key and I’ll be sure to get back to you.

Toodooloo mother f$#@ers.