December Trop Ten

Bonjourno

I know what you’re thinking…why the hell is the first sentence right justified? Well, based on the latest ingenious quote from Don Cherry on Saturday’s Coaches Corner, we on the Bun cannot be placed in the category of left wing kooks.

Well, before I get fired, I thought I would make a triumphant return one month to the day since my last exploits. Trust me, I will never leave all of you for this long again. Thanks Walker for picking up the slack. Without question, the past month brought forth some of the most dramatic, unbelievable and utterly disturbing events in history of the Hot and Sticky, yet somehow hails in comparison to what the future holds. After nearly 2000 km of travel via yours truly, I am proud to say this was the most eventful holiday season of my short, yet overwhelmingly successful life. Bringing back a tradition from the ghosts of Bun past, I present you with the December Trop Ten. Grab a hold of your black taco and lets do it.

#10 – LAN Parties

I’m proud to say I, along with 5 other members of the aquarium, were the founders of what will soon become a holiday tradition in households nationwide. Bitches and gentlemen, I present to you, the LAN Party. For all you people still stuck in the 2000’s, LAN is Walker’s school word for wireless internet. Starting in 2010, you are now all invited to share precious holiday moments with your loved ones by gathering no less than 6 people around a kitchen table at 3 pm (each with their own laptop of course), “like” and “comment” on 283 facebook statuses even though there are only 235 available, drink bud light and eat pizza pie until every girl’s profile pic becomes that of a goddess, and finally, make subtle sexual advances on a Kyle Brodziak who was simultaneously added by 5 strangers who live under the sea. This Rick Brodsky may or may not have been a complete bombshell, sat beside Jelly in class as has refrained from communication since. See you wirelessly in 2010.

#9 – Team Canada Vancouver 2010

As Kenny Bania would say, “This is gold Jerry, gold!” Anyone who disagrees with this selection should go pick a fist fight with Steve Yzerman. He lacks hockey knowledge, hasn’t single legedly won a Cup, and definitely doesn’t have more heart and guts in his left thumb then we all have in our bodies…combined. Grow up people.

#8 – Pot Bellied Sea Horse

Any time one creature consumes 55 oz of spiced rum, a loaf of bread and pale of cheese dip in one glorious evening, he deserves a Pulitzer Prize. But the best I can do is a lackluster rating of 8 on the December Trop Ten. Better luck next year faggot.

#7 – Beer

#6 – College Football

Once again we were treated to how big of a joke the BCS is. Even though I’m still unbelievably bitter about my Ducks losing to OSU, my arch rival Boise State put on quite the performance in the Fiesta Bowl. In a tie game with 9 min left, Boise fakes a punt on 4th and 9 for a 30 yd gain, ultimately leading to the game winning score. The game of the year. It was eerily reminiscent of Boise’s 2007 epic Fiesta Bowl trickery win over powerhouse Oklahoma, which once again proves the superiority of College Football, and the game in general. Sadly, all of this is ruined when Boise finishes the season 14-0 and does not have the opportunity to compete for the National Championship. Thus, in the famous words of Seton O’Connor, “F the BCS.”

#5 – Inglorious Bastards

Thanks to Whale and Manatee, a new catch phrase has caught fire and blazed a path across God’s country. I’m not exactly positive a one word line can be classified as a catch phrase, but leave it to the biggest and slowest sea monsters to make the impossible possible. These two words weren’t used enough over the holidays, so for good measure…Bonjourno. Arrivederci.

#4 – Gun Show

Nobody jokes about gun play like the Bun, except the guns we play with are 34 D and can cut diamonds in the cold. Leading the league in shootout wins, the piece pulling jokester Gilbert Arenas tops the Trop Ten for smartest move this December, surpassing Sea Otter’s Arbour Mist party by a hair. Pulling an empty glock on a teammate is something most teams experience…reference Blades of Our Lives.

#3 – Tigersharks

It’s been beaten to death, but Tiger Woods now has more respect from more people now that he has proved he is human. What is the point of being a billionaire if you cannot go through cocktail waitresses like range balls?

#2 – Jordan Eberle

Well degenerates, I’m not going into the details because I don’t want to become dependent on Zoloft, but this World Juniors really stepped its game up. Speaking of stepping their game up, the Got It Done Award for January goes to everyone’s favorite gap tooth Saskatchewanite. Once again the hopes of a nation rested on the shoulders of a 18 year old, and he comes through. The reason for Jordan’s award is the masses finally realize how good this kid is. I’m left speechless. Anything I say will only undermine his pure talent and determination. But the real reason the Messiah gains honorable mention is he can now follow in the footsteps of former Oiler greats such as Doug Weight, Jason Arnott, Wayne Gretzky, Curtis Glencross,  Miro Satan and Chris Pronger and leave Edmonton for greener pastures because the city is a shit hole. My advice to Jordan…play your rookie season alongside the 13 million of Hemsky and Horcoff, raise your stock with 75 points, then demand a trade.

By the way cum stains…blame Hockey Canada for trying something new and generating a buzz. Grow the f%$@ up. The green jerseys were glorious!

#1 – Sea Beasts

To Whale, Sting Ray, Cucumber, Otter, Manatee, Seal, Shrimp, Sea Bass, Sea Horse and Eel…thanks for the year that was. To all the oxygen breathing land mammals, beware of 2010, The Year of the Aquarium. More beer will be drank, girls violated, pies ate, puck played, balls smashed and times had than ever before. Rarely do I ever get serious on here, but there are no other monsters I would rather live under the sea with. Cheers gentlemen!

~This article has been brought to you by the letter S, for Shortys, Luke’s word of the month for January. Make sure you take care of a Shorty near you~