The Urban Cowboy

A guy from the city or suburbs who is “country” or “rednickish” who talks like he’s an actual cowboy. Often they wear shirts, boots, and buckles of cowboy nature complete with an actual cowboy hat or in our case the much cheaper (and sexier) straw cowboy hat. Generally they smoke and drink and often ride shopping carts like a real cowboy would ride a bull.

If you’re wondering just what the hell I’m talking about I’m referring to our weekend in Calgary at the Stampede. There is few times in ones life where he can dress and wear ridiculous straw hats and this was one of them as I believe about 80% of the Stampede population was wearing a straw or foam cowboy hat. To tell all you people I had fun would be an absolute understatement. The previous two weekends were a blast but this weekend was the clincher as I’m fairly confident the cud in my third stomach even saw some belly laughing action.

Where to begin? Well I guess I’ll start with Thursday night at Nacho Naughty’s house in Red Deer. In what I think most of us believed would be a tame night it actually turned out to be a doozy thanks to the frozen bottle of Jagermeister that side swiped us. Not a big deal I guess, unless of course you end up shooting half glasses and polishing it off within an hour, the only thing worse then a reverse Jager bomb is a reverse Jager bomb without the Red Bull. Nothing overly spectacular happened aside from Coach Carter yelling at Jay (who will play the part of Lane Frost) telling him he’s “boring the fuck out of him” which was quickly proceeded by a Coach pass out at the kitchen table.

But yet this was only the beginning of the story…

Despite all the girls complaining about headaches and hangovers we managed to hit the road, surprisingly I was perhaps the only one who actually didn’t feel like shit, I don’t know if that had anything to do with the new “natural pills” I’m taking or what but I was ready to absolutely give her. The road trip down involved me and Mr. Lane Frost downing ceasers and car flirting with some girls only to be naughty’d moments before they were about to either give us there number or ask us to pull over for a round of fellatio. If you don’t know what Naughty’d means Ill give you a quick description seeing as the day the definition was born I forgot to make mention of it in my article the following day.

Naughty’d: To screw up a sure thing with a girl(s) thanks to an act of drunkeness or complete and utter stupidity.

Example:
Girl: You guys can share a cab
Naughty’d: NO! You live in the northeast were walking home, here is 20 bucks.

If my memory is not mistaken I’m sure there were numerous moments this weekend of all of us Naughty’ing ourselves or throwing each other under a bus (right Coach?). Regardless that seems to be a regular occurrence these days. Still nothing stops us from having a good time and Friday was no exception.

Friday night involved in I think all of us hitting up the chuckwagons which turned out to be a pretty good idea as we ended up with some kick ass seats in the in field. There were a lot of illegal bets going on but the real winners turned out to be the most of us who ended up walking out of Stampede grounds loser drunk. Even though our plans changed a little (thanks to the massive line up at the Ranchmans and our VIP’s falling through) I’d argue we ended up having a better time at whatever place we ended up at down the street. The rest of the night involved some of us ending up at Trav’s place for some hotubbing…sadly all the women left or went to bed and we ended up running three strong in the hot tub, for some reason Trav didn’t want my nakedness in there (I suppose I did enough of that last weekend). My memory is a little hazy thanks to drinking some spiced rum straight but I’m almost confident someone licked one of Trav’s toads (no thats not a typo for toes).

That of course was followed up by this new fad I seem to have started called drunken facebook, something that seems to have involved from both my consistent urge to drunk dial and of course drunk text message. If you weren’t fortunate to receive a random drunken message from me in some form this past weekend I apologize, I’ll try to do better next time.

Now we come to Saturday which was exciting, hilarious, tiring, sick, then exciting, hilarious, tiring, and sick again. If there is one lesson I’ve learned from this past weekend it’s not to attend a keg party at noon before going to the bar at 5 pm, then going out for doubles when you get home at midnight. Needless to say it made for some ridiculous pictures (which Ill try to get in all there entirety for those that cant see them on Facebook) and probably some more information then some people wanted to know about…talking about Warcraft, blowing it in a girls hair, and making weird sex sounds with my hands are a few things I probably shouldn’t have done or brought up.

Saturday consisted of a keg party like I mentioned before spending most of my time either drooling at bar tub girls in Cowboys or drooling over the Urban Cowboy (aka Coach Carter) posing in front of one of the fans in the bar with his urban shirt waving in the wind. I never realized how hard it actually was to stay inside a bar and drink for longer then the 4 hours I’m (at most) accustomed too.

Four to five hours later most of the party was tuckering down and got out of Cowboys and hit up the Casino just down the street, which oddly enough seemed to re-energize some of us. Around midnight or so we took off and tried to flag down a cab to head back to our lodgings. Thankfully we caught a cab about 30 minutes later only after we tried to get Kid Rocks bus driver to give us a ride home. I don’t what the problem was with that, really I don’t.

So at that point we got back to Ashlee’s (the place we stayed) and thought it would be wise of us to go eat some food and drink some doubles at Stixx, or Styx…to tell you the truth it could of been named stinks I still wouldn’t of known and only after finding a shopping cart and watch Lane Frost go for 8 seconds complete with a dart in his mouth that was the end of the night and the weekend.

Before I finish this ridiculously long blog there are a few people that deserve thanks and congrats

First to our host Ashlee, thanks for putting up with all of us as I’m sure the smell we left in your house will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Congratulations to Rachelle for proving all of us wrong, we all had a side bet thinking you wouldn’t make it past 7 pm.

Thanks to Coach for only telling Jay he’s boring the fuck out of you, throwing me under the bus, calling Jmoe a pussy and kicking his air mattress for 10 minutes, and finally releasing yourself Sunday morning (much to the delight of Naughty).

Thanks to Jmoe for one upping me Friday night so I didn’t have to wear the foam cowboy hat. You cant even argue this fact because you walked face first into a glass door dropping your drink and breaking the cup in the process.

Congratulations to naughty for only Naughty’ing us only once (that I’m aware of) with your Friday piss break.

Thanks to Trav and Megan for the lodgings Friday night, clean your hot tub I may have soiled myself inside it.

And finally thanks to anyone who actually got to this point and read the entire thing, to that end I only say one thing…

I’m sorry.