It’s February 11th which means only three more days until Valentines Day, if you could hear the thoughts inside of my head you would see how excited I am and how I look forward to this holiday every year. Ok Ok, I can see ex girlfriends already lining up to say otherwise. Yes, Valentines Day is nothing more then a sham, every year millions of couples prep themselves for the big day doing (for the most part) the same thing the rest of society does whether it be dinner and a movie, flowers, chocolates, etc etc…does it really matter, the most important part is the end of the night in the bedroom (for us guys anyway).

Next to New Years this is the most overhyped holiday, here are 14 reasons why not to bother:

14. High Maintenance – Seriously think about this, especially if you’re a woman. How many of you couples are expecting or giving a gift this February 14th? Exactly! Apparently the day isn’t a success unless you get that new expensive necklace or ring you subtly hinted at a month ago when the two of you were shopping.

13. Jenny Craig – Here is a special box of chocolates for that special someone, don’t forget that the holiday chocolate is half price the following day. When the week is finally over though dont forget to complain about how fat you are and all the extra pounds you’ve mysteriously put on you blimp.

12. You’re Emo – It’s bad enough you’re emotionally unstable crying out on normal days but when you’re alone on Valentines the pressure of life is that much more unbearable. Thankfully chocolate and BIC Razor’s are on special!

11. Old School – “Well, alright, let me be the first to say congratulations then. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart Frank. Way to work it through.” Seriously, with everyone so depressed on Valentines about being alone its the easiest day to find true love (by true love I mean drunk sex).

10. I Love You – Nothing says true love like having a very romantic Valentines Day. After all sticking through a relationship for multiple years proves nothing if you cant step up to the plate on the 14th.

9. I Love You x2 – A good valentines outweighs all the negatives, like getting thrown down the stairs, a black eye, having your car smashed, or being anally forced.

8. Bent Over – Nothing worse then seeing your boyfriend/girlfriend dumping you the following week taking there new expensive valentines gifts with them.

7. Pig Skin – How can one feel happy with no more football for another six months?

6. The Notebook – Like I need another reason to be forced to watch chick flicks, every time it’s this or that…man must stop woman from making big mistake or man must find a way for them to end up together even though the odds are clearly stacked against them. At least when you’re single you can watch a good porno.

5. The Massacre – The Saint Valentine’s Day massacre is the name given to the shooting of seven people as part of a Prohibition Era conflict between two powerful criminal gangs in Chicago, Illinois, in the winter of 1929: the South Side Italian gang led by Al Capone and the North Side Irish/German gang led by Bugs Moran. Celebrating shootings? You sick bastards.

4. 40 Year Old Virgin – Self explanatory, why celebrate when your celibate. The whole point of Valentines from a guy’s perspective is to get lucky, would make more sense to name the 14th Dinner and Sex day.

3. I Want Candy – Nothing like sucking on something big and delicious (not that you sicko’s). All those heart shaped candies may not seem like much but to much sugar will make you as unattractive as the mom from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. If you want something to suck on then do so on something that provides a little protein (Yes Im talking about that you sickos).

2. The Ass Man – Valentines day is supposed to be a day of romance, unfortuantly for you I don’t think your girlfriend finds anything romantic about taking it up the poop shoot.

1. Valentines Day – Valentines Day (or VD as I like to call it) is a sexually transmitted disease (STD), a.k.a. Venereal disease (VD), is an illness that has a significant probability of transmission between humans or animals by means of sexual contact, including vaginal intercourse, oral sex, and anal sex.  If you want to pee fire be my guest, personally it’s not to pleasant.

Walks
www.hotstickybun.com